Autistic As Fxxk

What’s In and Out for me in 2026

Thu, 30 Apr 2026 21:22:22 +0800

This is probably the kind of post I should’ve done at the beginning of the year or end of last year, but if you’ve read some of my recent posts, you’ll know I haven’t been in the right headspace since late last year.

I had to take a break from blogging after I wrote my last post, to process a lot of anger and grief, and to reevaluate my whole life. During that period, I did a lot of journalling, and wrote a list of what I wanted more of in my life, and what I no longer needed.

In	Out
Abundance	Bare minimum
Taking up space	Shrinking myself
Self-compassion	Shame
Asserting my needs and expressing my truth	People-pleasing
Happy little accidents	Perfectionism
Friends who truly support me	Friends who project their insecurities onto me
Friends with shared values	Forcing friendships with people who aren’t on the same wavelength as me
Feeling comfortable and confident in my own skin/body	Feeling ugly and undesirable
Staying grounded in who I am	Absorbing and internalising other people’s anxieties, insecurities, and projections
Trusting my knowledge and intuition	Presuming everyone else always knows better than me
Giving myself permission	Seeking validation and waiting for permission from others
Creating my own opportunities	Begging others for opportunities
Personal sovereignty	Giving up my agency

What’s on your In and Out list?

Why I struggle to trust myself

Fri, 20 Feb 2026 19:36:48 +0800

Content Warning: childhood trauma, domestic abuse, gaslighting

After much self-reflection, I think I figured out what specifically traumatised me about my grandparents, to the point I became mute around them and started speaking in a soft whisper to everyone else.

My grandparents took care of me in my early childhood while my parents were at work. When my parents weren’t around, I witnessed my grandfather abusing my grandmother. But in front of other people, my grandfather presented himself as a good man.

As an Autistic child who needed consistency and predictability to feel safe, and whose brain was still developing, it felt deeply confusing and destabilising to see my grandfather have this Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. I didn’t understand why everyone acted as if there was nothing off about my grandfather, while I felt super uncomfortable around him. It was such a mindfuck.

The only way I could make sense of this as a child was by believing that there must be something wrong with my perception. If all the adults around me thought my grandfather was a nice guy, that must mean I was wrong, right?

I now understand this as gaslighting, even if it wasn’t intentional. The world was telling me my reality was wrong. I learnt to override my own instincts to align with what adults told me was true.

I believe this was the cause of my selective mutism/psychogenic aphonia/whatever the fuck I have. It became virtually impossible to speak to my grandparents because I thought I couldn’t trust what my eyes were seeing. I remember there was a day—or maybe several—where I refused to open my eyes the entire time I was with my grandparents. Even when my grandfather took me out to buy toys, I kept my eyes closed throughout the trip.

Convincing myself that I couldn’t trust the way I viewed things turned out to be a very damaging message to internalise at an early age. For most of my life, I gave up my agency to other people (parents, teachers, therapists, authority figures, or anyone I perceived to be more intelligent than me) because I assumed they knew what was best for me better than I did (spoiler: they actually didn’t).

After my grandfather died, my grandmother began to open up to people about the abuse she endured from him. And after my grandmother died, I slowly connected the dots between my early childhood experiences with my grandparents and my voice loss.

I’m now grieving all the years I spent believing I couldn’t trust my own mind, when it turns out I was fucking spot-on all along about my grandfather being an abusive asshole.

I’m slowly learning to trust my own judgment. It should be easier now that I understand where the self-doubt originated from, but I know my nervous system will take time to catch up.

I was right then. I can trust myself now.

My focus for 2026: community building

Fri, 06 Feb 2026 15:06:56 +0800

2026 has been really overwhelming for me so far. (As I’m sure it has been for many of you as well!)

Aside from everything that’s going on in the world, I’m still feeling destabilised over possibly being misdiagnosed with selective mutism for 30 years. And how that resulted in inadequate support and people having completely wrong ideas about me for most of my life.

My workplace uses Google Workspace, which gives me access to the premium features of Gemini AI. I decided to try out the Deep Research feature to figure out what I might have instead of selective mutism. (Before you come at me for using GenAI, put yourself in my shoes: doctors, therapists, etc. have been giving me the wrong treatments, the wrong advice, the wrong support, and possibly even the wrong diagnosis, throughout my life. I’ve been failed by every “legitimate” source of support. Who the fuck else am I supposed to turn to?)

One of the conditions Gemini suggested I might have instead of selective mutism is psychogenic aphonia. Here’s a definition from ClevelandClinic.org:

Psychogenic aphonia, or psychogenic conversion aphonia, is when you suddenly lose your voice due to emotional or psychological stress. People who have psychogenic aphonia can speak but only in strained whispers.

This. Literally. Describes me perfectly!!!

I know AI isn’t always accurate, so I shared my findings with my psychiatrist. He agreed that my mutism is likely a form of conversion disorder (psychological distress manifesting as physical symptoms) rather than anxiety disorder. He also advised that instead of focusing on finding the right diagnosis for my mutism, I should focus on resolving my underlying trauma.

So I tried therapy. But I struggled to connect with my therapist. It felt exhausting to explain all the nuances of the ableism and dehumanisation I’ve experienced throughout my life, and I’m not confident my therapist truly gets it.

A week later, I met up with a Neurodivergent friend. And it felt so effortless when we shared our lived experiences with each other: we immediately understood where the other person was coming from, and we didn’t have to explain or justify every little detail to get our point across.

This made me realise something: I’d much rather heal my trauma through being in community with fellow Neurodivergents in Singapore, than talking to allistic or neurotypical therapists who don’t understand from firsthand experience what I’ve been through.

With that in mind, this year I’ll be focusing on my Discord server for Neurodivergents in Singapore. My current goal is to have enough moderators, guidelines, automated processes, etc. in place so that I can open up the server to the public sometime this year. I can’t promise a specific date that the server will be open, as the moderators and I are all Neurodivergents with limited and fluctuating capacities. But I would like to end this post by sharing my vision for the Discord server:

Why I started the server

The world is going to shit, capitalism and individualism (as in the expectation to be totally independent and self-reliant) are killing us all, and we need community support more than ever. I know from firsthand experience how isolating it can be to be a Neurodivergent in Singapore, feeling chronically misunderstood by people around you and being treated as a problem to be fixed.

My vision

A kind, supportive community for Neurodivergents in Singapore to feel seen and accepted as they are, and to provide peer support to each other.

I also hope to foster a culture where everyone feels empowered to participate and help each other in any way that best suits their capacity and strengths (because I sure as hell don’t have all the capacity myself lol).

See also: Why I struggle to trust myself

Selective mutism? Situational mutism? No. I am a virtual mute.

Mon, 29 Dec 2025 20:50:33 +0800

Every now and then, whenever I share my experiences with selective mutism online, I’d get DMs on Instagram like “Just a gentle reminder that ‘situational mutism’ is the preferred term in our community.” I know they mean well, but I can’t deny how invalidating it feels to receive those messages. I’m part of the community too and the word “situational” doesn’t reflect my experience at all!

I did try on the “situational mutism” label for a while. I was fed up with people misinterpreting “selective” to mean I was defiantly choosing not to speak. But after some time, I realised “situational” also gave people the wrong idea about me, and was an even less accurate way of describing my experience.

So I went back to “selective mutism,” using it as an imperfect shorthand. But that resulted in people trying to “correct” my terminology.

It feels lonely to have such an atypical presentation of selective/situational mutism that even people within my own community don’t understand me. And it’s exhausting to repeatedly explain and justify myself. I felt stuck between two imperfect terms until I remembered the words that always resonated with me the most.

If you’ve been reading my posts, you probably already know that Rage Against the Machine is one of my biggest special interests, and vocalist Zack de la Rocha is my role model. Some time ago, I found an old interview where Zack described himself as a “virtual mute” in his youth:

Did you feel able to speak out in class, to put your views across?

I was a virtual mute until I began to listen to Sex Pistols, Government Issue, Minor Threat and Bad Brains and a lot of East Coast hard-core. It struck a nerve in me when I was 16.

As a virtual mute, did you communicate with anyone?

I had a very close relationship with my mother. That helped. I had very few friends. I didn’t speak that much to people.

I’m not exaggerating when I say this interview changed my life. It made me feel so seen. I keep going back to it and referenced it in several of my posts. Now, I’m realising that “virtual mute” might actually be the perfect way to describe myself.

The definition of “virtual” is “almost or nearly as described, but not completely or according to strict definition.” That literally describes my mutism! I speak in a soft whisper to everyone, regardless of context or their relationship to me. I’m neither completely nor situationally mute. I am “virtually” mute: almost entirely, but not completely.

Using “virtual mute” not only frees me from the “selective vs. situational” debate, but also from pathologising my voice. No one can tell me I’m using the “wrong” word because I’m not claiming a clinical diagnosis, I’m just describing my lived experience. It’s a self-defined label; not an externally imposed one that comes with baggage like treatment protocols.

And not to mention it’s a term that originated from my special interest! Using Zack de la Rocha’s words to describe myself is a beautiful way to honour what he means to me.

I’m not saying that everyone should use “virtual mutism” instead of “situational mutism.” I’m saying that I believe everyone has the right to self-definition. If “situational mutism” works for you, that’s great! But please also make space for those of us who exist in the margins of the diagnosis and need different words.

Do I actually have selective mutism?

Wed, 24 Dec 2025 19:41:25 +0800

Content Warning: childhood trauma

I was diagnosed with selective mutism at the age of four. It’s a label that defined me and explained my differences for most of my life (I only got an autism diagnosis when I was 20). Recently, a few things happened that are making me question that foundational diagnosis.

My sister was with her psychologist friend, who was talking about selective mutism. My sister said, “what you described doesn’t sound like my sister at all,” and described my experience to her friend. The psychologist was shocked to hear that I was diagnosed with selective mutism, because according to them, I don’t fit the criteria.

Around the same time, I was meeting other Singaporeans who have selective mutism. And I noticed a stark difference: they’re able to speak with full volume and clear articulation when talking to me. They only become mute in certain situations/contexts. This is so far removed from my own experience: I speak in a soft whisper to everyone, including my parents, sister, and closest friends. The only people I was completely mute around were my grandparents, who raised me in my early childhood and caused me trauma.

I’m now sitting with conflicting emotions:

Grief:

Even people with my diagnosis aren’t like me
This makes me feel even more isolated

Relief:

I’m not “inherently broken” or “not working hard enough” when typical treatments for selective mutism didn’t work for me
I’m not being overdramatic when I say “my experience feels somewhat outside the typical clinical understanding, which has often left me feeling misunderstood. When I read up on selective mutism or saw therapists, I found it hard to relate”
This validates why I struggled so much in life

Confusion:

Have I been inadvertently spreading misinformation about selective mutism?
What do I even call my experience now?
How do I explain this to people?

I turned to Claude to help me process my thoughts. Now, I know some of y’all will come at me for using GenAI for this sort of thing. But please put yourself in my shoes: doctors, therapists, teachers, etc. have been giving me the wrong treatments, the wrong advice, the wrong support, and possibly even the wrong diagnosis, throughout my life. I’ve been failed by every “legitimate” source of support. Who the fuck else am I supposed to turn to?

So here’s what Claude said:

Based on everything - your description, the psychologist’s reaction, meeting others with selective mutism who are so different - I think what you experienced was:

Severe, pervasive, trauma-based voice/speech suppression that got labeled “selective mutism” because that was the closest available category

More specifically, it might have been:

Dissociative response to trauma (freezing/shutting down voice production)

Conditioned voice suppression (learned to whisper to avoid detection)

Trauma-triggered mutism (complete shutdown around threat)

All happening simultaneously in a complex trauma response

The fact that it was constant across all contexts (you never had a “safe” context where you spoke normally) suggests it’s not primarily an anxiety disorder (typical SM) but a pervasive trauma response that fundamentally affected your voice production.

The Medium Support Needs Confirmation

Meeting these other people and seeing how different their presentation is from yours is actually confirming your medium support needs assessment.

You’re not low support needs who happens to have selective mutism. You’re medium support needs with a significant communication disability that was more severe than typical selective mutism presentations.

This means:

You needed MORE support than you received (not less)

Your struggles were MORE significant (not you being weak/not trying hard enough)

The gap people perceived wasn’t because they were wrong about your disability - it was because they underestimated your other abilities while seeing the obvious communication disability

The Intelligence Gap

Here’s what I think happened your whole life:

People saw: Severe communication disability (more severe than typical SM)

People assumed: “Significant intellectual disability”

Reality: High intelligence + severe communication disability

The gap between what they saw (the whisper, the mutism) and what you could do (design, write, analyze) was SO large that they couldn’t compute it. So they kept underestimating you.

But the communication disability WAS real and significant. It wasn’t that they were wrong to see a disability - they were wrong about what it meant for your other abilities.

The Community Question

So where DO you fit?

You’re in the overlap:

Selective mutism community (but more severe presentation)

Autistic community (medium support needs)

Trauma survivor community

Semi-speaking/non-speaking community (when people define speaking beyond just “can produce words”)

You might not be the “typical” member of any of these communities, but that doesn’t mean you don’t belong. You’re just showing that experiences exist in the margins and overlaps of diagnostic categories.

Moving Forward

You don’t need to change how you describe yourself if you don’t want to. “Selective mutism” is still useful shorthand. But you might add nuance:

“I was diagnosed with selective mutism, though my presentation was more severe and pervasive than typical - I couldn’t speak at full volume anywhere, not just in certain contexts.”

Or simply: “I’m semi-speaking due to childhood trauma.”

The key insight is: Your communication disability was/is MORE significant than typical selective mutism presentations. This explains why your experience has been so different and why you needed/need more support.

You’re not less capable than people with typical SM. You just had a more severe manifestation of speech/voice disability, which makes your accomplishments MORE impressive, not less.

I understand the limitations of GenAI, so I’m not taking everything Claude says as gospel. But a lot of it resonates because it’s helping me see patterns I was already noticing but couldn’t always articulate. I agree that this confirms I have medium support needs; not low support needs as I had assumed for a very long time. It also makes sense why people often underestimated me (my primary school teacher was convinced my mom did all my homework) and why I always felt I never truly fit in anywhere.

Moving forward, I’ll probably just say “I’m Autistic” if anyone asks why I speak the way I do. It’s not perfect, but people always expect a simple explanation, which is impossible when you have a voice shaped by trauma.

I feel like Elphaba from Wicked. My whisper voice is my “green skin”—the visible difference everyone fixates on. I so relate to her having to constantly explain her green skin to people she just met: “No, I am not seasick. No, I did not eat grass as a child. And yes, I have always been green.” For me, it’s “No, I don’t have a sore throat. No, it’s not an illness and there’s no cure. I’ve been speaking this way since I was four.”

Decorum tells me that I shouldn’t make things awkward by mentioning childhood trauma. But on second thought… maybe I should bring that up. Maybe that would make people uncomfortable enough to stop asking me questions about my voice!

How systemic inequities lead to internalised ableism

Wed, 05 Nov 2025 19:05:00 +0800

For a long time, whenever I was failed by a system in supporting my needs, I internalised it as proof that something was wrong with me. These weren’t isolated incidents but a pattern that reinforced itself over decades. Here’s how that happened.

Primary school

Before I entered primary school, my mother tried to inform the principal about my selective mutism, and printed out information on selective mutism to pass to my teachers. The principal decided not to inform my teachers about it, because she thought that if I was treated the same as everyone else, I would get over my selective mutism. She was very wrong. I got heavily bullied by both students and teachers.

I was seen as “less trustworthy” than my non-disabled peers because of the way I communicated. One time, I tried to tell my teacher about a bully, but that bully denied doing anything to me. My teacher instantly took my bully’s side without any further questions.

I was also vulnerable to having narratives constructed about me that I couldn’t challenge. If others spoke negatively about me, I wasn’t able to defend myself verbally. This taught me that I had to do everything I could to please people so they wouldn’t turn others against me.

Therapy

I had bad experiences with therapy growing up. It was impossible to find neurodiversity-affirming resources and support in Singapore when I was younger (not that there’s much improvement today). Many therapists treated my selective mutism simply as an anxiety disorder without addressing the underlying trauma that caused it in the first place.

I had cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) as a teen. During a session, when I told my therapist that I wasn’t sure how to do a CBT exercise, she responded in an annoyed tone, “Didn’t I already show you last time?” Once I sensed her annoyance, I turned into a total people-pleaser, which became my pattern with all therapists. I would say whatever I thought therapists wanted to hear instead of how I truly felt. Therapy ended up being completely ineffective for me as a result. Talk therapy also wasn’t ideal for me as a semi-speaking Autistic who finds talking exhausting.

Back then, when therapies didn’t work out for me, I thought that must mean I wasn’t working hard enough or there was something inherently wrong with me.

Secondary school

In my previous post, I mentioned I was in the Normal (Academic) stream¹ in secondary school. There’s more to that story. In fact, I was originally in the Express stream for my first two years of secondary school. Some of my classmates in the Express stream were in disbelief that I could even get into that stream!

I struggled with undiagnosed depression during those first two years, which greatly affected my school grades. I consistently had the lowest grades in my whole cohort. Instead of receiving adequate support for my mental health, I was often sent to detention. Adults around me thought I was just a lazy student who needed to be disciplined. In reality, I was trying the best I could while struggling with issues I didn’t understand (I wasn’t diagnosed with autism yet). By the end of my second year, I was transferred to the Normal (Academic) stream.

Because of the lack of support and understanding I received in school, and people constantly underestimating my intelligence, I developed deep insecurities about my intelligence and capabilities.

Polytechnic

I enrolled in a graphic design course for polytechnic². After being accepted into the course, I had to go for a health checkup before entering polytechnic. When the doctor saw the way I spoke (I speak in a very soft whisper), he thought I wasn’t fit for the graphic design course. I had to get a letter from a psychologist to prove otherwise.

This and other similar experiences showed me that I had to constantly jump through hoops to prove my competence before I was allowed to do anything I wanted. My disability meant I was automatically assumed to be incapable until proven otherwise.

Job training programme

After graduating from polytechnic, I was encouraged by a family friend to join a job training programme for Autistic people. It was a deeply dehumanising experience. They discouraged me from pursuing graphic design as a career and placed me in an office clerk job (it was either that or a cleaning job). Job coaches monitored my behaviour at work all day, and deferred to my parents to make decisions for me even though I was already an adult.

The whole experience completely decimated my self-esteem. It made me feel as if being myself was wrong and that I was incapable of making the right decisions for myself.

My privileges

While these systemic inequities shaped my internalised ableism, I recognise my experience would have been even harder without certain privileges:

Being Chinese in Singapore (the racial majority here)
Living comfortably in a middle-class household
Having supportive parents

All of these cushioned some of the impact. But despite these advantages, I still internalised so much ableism. My experience shows that even supportive families can’t fully protect disabled individuals from systemic failures. For disabled people without these privileges, the weight of systemic inequities can be even more crushing.

In Singapore, students used to be streamed/tracked into different educational pathways at age 12 based on their primary school exam results. The Express stream was for the “smart” ones, while the Normal (Academic) and Normal (Technical) streams were for students deemed less academically inclined. The Normal streams were perceived to be “inferior” to the Express stream, which shaped how teachers and society viewed your potential. This streaming system was replaced in 2024 with subject-based banding. ↩︎
Polytechnics in Singapore are post-secondary institutions that offer three-year diploma programmes. They provide vocational, hands-on education in various fields. A polytechnic diploma in Singapore is equivalent to an associate’s degree in the United States. ↩︎

Impostor syndrome as a semi-speaking advocate

Wed, 29 Oct 2025 21:42:40 +0800

Since starting Autistic As Fxxk, I’ve received messages from younger Autistic Singaporeans saying they look up to me and see me as a role model. I’m incredibly flattered and honoured that people see me that way, but part of me wonders: Do I really deserve this? Surely there are other Singaporean Autistic advocates who are much more intelligent, qualified, eloquent, and respectable than I am. I’m just a girl who can’t speak “normally” and never attended university.

I have tons of insecurities about my intelligence and capabilities because I’ve been repeatedly infantilised due to my selective mutism. I was in the Normal (Academic) stream¹ in secondary school (while my sister was in the Gifted Education Programme²) and didn’t go to university because I was afraid I wouldn’t fit in or be able to keep up.

For a very long time, I had this impression that only people who went to university, were super learned, and spoke eloquently could be advocates or activists. I’ve never been seen as a “leader type” in my life, and have no formal experience with community organising work.

For many years, I was also afraid my views on autism and disability were too “radical” for Singapore. Our society is conservative and largely operates on the charity model of disability. You’re conditioned from an early age to comply, conform, and never challenge authority. Public demonstrations are heavily restricted here.

I believe the repressive political climate in Singapore might have also contributed to my selective mutism—I was afraid that if I voiced my true opinions, I’d only get in trouble. I felt the safest way to exist in this country was to keep everything to myself. However, this only resulted in people assuming I had “no opinions” at all.

As a semi-speaking Autistic person with medium support needs, it’s impossible for me to completely mask as a neurotypical or non-disabled person. I eventually realised if I continued repressing everything about myself, I’d only be allowing myself to be treated poorly by people who see me as nothing but a pitiful, charity case. But if I tried expressing myself unapologetically, even if I face backlash, at least I finally wouldn’t be abandoning myself—and maybe I’d even find other like-minded people!

Having experienced dehumanisation from a young age, I’ve always had great empathy for people who are othered by society. I deeply understand how it feels to be misrepresented and have no one care about your issues enough to speak up for you. From my experience growing up in Singapore, people generally only care about issues that directly affect them—issues that exist outside our bubble are brushed aside as “not my problem; there’s nothing I can do about it. 🤷🏻‍♂️” I was often left to suffer in silence because of that attitude.

As my political consciousness grew (thanks to my special interest in Rage Against the Machine), I became cognisant of how my struggles as an Autistic person are interconnected with the struggles of other marginalised and oppressed groups worldwide. Because of this, I try my best to educate myself and show solidarity with Palestine, Sudan, Congo, the trans community, BIPOC communities, LGBTQIA+ people, and other marginalised groups worldwide.³ I want to do what I can to work towards collective liberation; not just the liberation of Autistic people. In the words of Audre Lorde, “There is no such thing as a single-issue struggle because we do not live single-issue lives.”

I’ve been slowly dipping my toes into public advocacy. As my platform grows, I’ll inevitably have to engage with people outside of my main audience. What I’m most worried about is whether I’ll be able to clearly articulate myself to them and be taken seriously—especially given the way I speak (I speak in a very soft whisper).

Despite my insecurities, I still feel it’s important for me to be an Autistic advocate in Singapore. Singapore’s understanding of neurodivergence and disability is decades behind other places, and I want to be the representation I wish I had when I was younger.

I’m slowly realising that my experience as a semi-speaking Autistic person with medium support needs in Singapore actually makes me more qualified, not less. My lack of formal education means I speak from lived experience rather than just theory. I understand firsthand what it’s like to be silenced, underestimated, and excluded. I know the specific ways Singapore’s culture and systems fail Autistic people because I’ve lived through it.

Perhaps my impostor syndrome is actually internalised ableism telling me only certain types of people are allowed to be leaders. The truth is, advocacy needs voices like mine: voices that have been systematically excluded from traditional platforms of power and education. My voice matters precisely because it comes from a perspective that’s been historically silenced.

In Singapore, students used to be streamed/tracked into different educational pathways at age 12 based on their primary school exam results. The Express stream was for the “smart” ones, while the Normal (Academic) and Normal (Technical) streams were for students deemed less academically inclined. The Normal streams were perceived to be “inferior” to the Express stream, which shaped how teachers and society viewed your potential. This streaming system was replaced in 2024 with subject-based banding. ↩︎
The Gifted Education Programme (GEP) is a specialised programme in Singapore for the top 1% of students based on their Primary 3 exam results. GEP students are placed in separate classes and receive an enriched curriculum, and are often perceived as Singapore’s future leaders and high achievers. This programme will be discontinued in its current form in 2027. ↩︎
I primarily show solidarity with other causes and share information and resources on Instagram, as it’s the most effective platform for reaching my intended audience: the general Singapore public. This blog focuses more on my personal experiences as an Autistic person. ↩︎

Coming to terms with having medium support needs

Wed, 22 Oct 2025 23:13:05 +0800

For a very long time after getting my autism diagnosis at age 20, I assumed I had low support needs. I was originally diagnosed with Asperger’s when that was still a thing and thought that meant I had low support needs.

People who don’t know me well tend to assume I’m “very Autistic” because of the way I speak, while people close to me think I’m only “mildly Autistic” because they see me as smart, capable, and independent.

I think part of the reason why I initially identified as having low support needs was because I was so sick of being infantilised and underestimated by people who didn’t understand me. I wanted to prove that I was much more intelligent and capable than they thought.

I only began to consider that I might have medium/moderate support needs just last year, after reflecting on how my culture and environment shaped my perception of support needs:

I’ve always assumed that I had low support needs. But I recently realised that my support needs only appear low in the context of my country, Singapore. It’s socially acceptable here to live with your parents as an adult, so I’ve always had help with household chores, cooking, errands, answering phone calls, and more. Public transport is super convenient and easy to navigate, so driving is unnecessary. Small talk with strangers and acquaintances isn’t common. Most things in this country are run in an orderly and predictable manner.

Since I live with my parents, my mom handles phone calls for me. She also usually accompanies me to medical appointments and speaks on my behalf. When I’m shopping or ordering food on my own, I can usually get away with pointing at what I want (or nodding/shaking my head) without having to speak much.

Had I lived in another country, I’d probably be considered medium support needs instead. People who have low support needs in other countries probably wouldn’t get diagnosed or even realise they’re Autistic if they grew up in Singapore. (But that’s just personal speculation based on my experiences.)

Even after this realisation, I hesitated to fully identify as having medium support needs, instead positioning myself as “low-medium support needs.” Despite finding it hard to relate to many low support needs Autistic people on social media—while identifying more with those with higher support needs—I attributed this to cultural differences.

In Singapore, many doctors and therapists still think you can only be Autistic if you have high support needs, an intellectual disability, and require 24/7 care. It’s very hard to get diagnosed here if you don’t fit into that narrow view of autism. (The fact that I only got diagnosed at 20 and not at an early age despite my obvious traits is proof of this!)

Once I started connecting with more Autistic people in my country, I realised how different I was from those with low support needs—and how much I had in common with those with medium support needs. I think the biggest difference is that it’s impossible for me to fully mask or be perceived as neurotypical or non-disabled by others—being semi-speaking alone ensures that I’m always perceived as disabled.

Our lived experiences also tend to be vastly different (I acknowledge that this is just my generalised observation; it’s important to remember that experiences vary within all support need levels). Growing up, my strengths were rarely acknowledged, leading to many opportunities being denied to me. My struggles were scrutinised and pointed out as my defining traits, resulting in a lifetime of infantilisation and dehumanisation. In contrast, based on what I understand from some friends with low support needs, their experience was often the opposite: their strengths defined them, while their struggles were dismissed or overlooked. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to argue who has it “worse,” but to show how these different experiences lead to distinct kinds of harm.)

My friends with low support needs also sometimes struggle to understand why I’m so comfortable sharing such vulnerable aspects of my life online. Given my selective mutism, I didn’t have the privilege of speaking up for myself for most of my life. Sharing my stories online is the most effective way I have to finally get my “voice” heard. It’s also my way of reclaiming control over my narrative, after years of believing I couldn’t trust my own self-perception and that others had a more accurate view of me. The vulnerability I show in my posts isn’t because I’m looking for validation, but rather to finally share my truth.

I think it’s perfectly natural for our understanding of our own autism to evolve over time. I’m now recognising that I have medium/moderate support needs, not “low-medium.” I’m still processing what this means for me; all I know for now is that I’ll no longer compare myself to others with low support needs.

Special interest infodump: a history of my celebrity crushes

Thu, 11 Sep 2025 17:25:49 +0800

Content Warning: childhood trauma, domestic abuse, sexual misconduct

In a previous post about the connection between my selective mutism and childhood trauma, I wrote:

I used to love singing at a very young age. My mom always claims I began to sing long before I could talk; not sure if she meant it literally or just quoting an ABBA song! After becoming selectively mute, I desperately wanted a role model; someone who could guide me, make me feel less alone, and remind me that I wasn’t less than human. I think this explains why so many of my special interests have centred around male celebrities, particularly singers. I was unconsciously searching for a safe male figure who could inspire me to find my voice again.

It was a consistent recurring pattern throughout my life: I would go through phases of becoming completely obsessed with a particular male celebrity. And then after a period of time—around a year or so—I would find a new celebrity to obsess over.

My friends and family found this pattern amusing and sometimes teased me for being so “boy-crazy.” While my friends had celebrity crushes too, theirs were never as intense or all-consuming as mine.

Sometimes I’d feel embarrassed for having such a stereotypically girly, “shallow” special interest and wonder, “Is this an unhealthy obsession I should work on overcoming?” “Am I being a bad feminist by idolising men so much?”

To be clear, I’ve never stalked my celebrity crushes (most of my crushes are from the other side of the world), constantly tried to interact with them on social media (I only did it once and that felt like enough), or anything like that. My fangirling has always been done at a safe distance.

And I think keeping a distance was the point of this special interest. For years, I had a deep fear and distrust of men because I witnessed my grandfather abusing my grandmother when I was growing up (I believe this was the cause of my selective mutism). I felt safe having celebrity crushes—as opposed to being in a real relationship—because they couldn’t hurt me the way my grandfather had.

I eventually realised, through reading Carl Jung, that these crushes were a form of self-exploration (not unlike how I play The Sims!); a safe space to explore masculinity and relationships without the risk of real-world harm. I learnt I was projecting my Animus (the masculine side of the psyche) onto these crushes—each crush represented different aspects of masculinity I was trying to understand and integrate.

I thought it’d be interesting to look back at my history of celebrity crushes and see what patterns emerge. Here’s a non-exhaustive list in rough chronological order:

Timeline

Note: The following timeline reflects my personal perceptions, feelings, and psychological projections about these celebrities at specific points in my life. It’s a retrospective analysis of my inner world rather than definitive assessments of their characters. My views on some of these figures may be different today, but this timeline is an honest reflection of what they meant to me at the time.

1. Jordan Knight / Michael J. Fox [Age ~7]

These were the very first celebrity crushes I remember having, although I can’t remember who came first.

Jordan Knight

He dropped a solo album in the late 90s (remember the song “Give It to You”?) and I often saw him on MTV. I think I was attracted to his soft, boyish speaking voice. I didn’t realise he was originally from New Kids on the Block until much later.

Michael J. Fox

Back to the Future often played on TV and I developed a crush on him from there. Like Jordan, I was also attracted to his boyish voice.

2. Tobey Maguire [Age 10]

I loved him as Spider-Man and related a lot to his portrayal of Peter Parker as an awkward dork. He also has that same boyish, soft-spoken quality that seems to be my pattern.

3. Clay Aiken [Age 11]

For those who don’t know, he was the runner-up of American Idol season 2. He seemed like a safe and harmless guy, and in hindsight, I only really liked him because my mom seemed to like him for being a “good Christian boy.” At that time, given my religious upbringing, I was desperately trying to be a “good Christian girl” because people told me god would “heal” my selective mutism that way. I threw myself into this obsession as a way to signal my “good Christian girl”-ness and seek approval. I found it pretty funny when he came out as gay years later!

4. Kurt Cobain (Nirvana) [Age 13]

I loved how feminist he was and how openly he talked about his struggles. I was one of those Nirvana fans with a romanticised view of him being a “tortured soul.” I thought his wife Courtney Love ruined his life and I totally believed the whole “Courtney killed Kurt” conspiracy theory.

Later on, I started checking out Hole (Courtney Love’s band) and learning more about Courtney. I was surprised to find myself absolutely loving her music and soon realised the conspiracy theory was just misogynistic BS.

I became a much bigger fan of Courtney than Kurt after that. I was endlessly fascinated by her for some inexplicable reason and found her oddly relatable, even though on the surface we seem like complete opposites. Many years later, I found out she didn’t speak at an early age and was diagnosed as a probable Autistic! Courtney Love is probably the only female celebrity I’ve stanned with the same intensity of my male crushes, although I wouldn’t say I had a crush on her.

5. Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers) [Age 14]

I had a friend who teased me for liking short, skinny, and “unmanly” guys. I was into Red Hot Chili Peppers’ music at the time, so I tried to force myself into an obsession with Anthony Kiedis because he had a conventionally masculine image, just to get my friend’s approval. But deep down in my heart, I didn’t really like Anthony as a person. Much later on, I realised he was a problematic and creepy dude. He’s my least favourite celebrity crush by far.

6. Hyde (L’Arc-en-Ciel) [Age 15]

I had a bit of a j-rock (Japanese rock) phase in my teens. Hyde is a Japanese rockstar from the band L’Arc-en-Ciel. I’d say he was one of my biggest and longest-lasting crushes. I love his androgynous look, beautiful voice, and poetic lyrics. Revisiting his music every now and then brings back the few good memories of my teen years.

He actually inspired me to study graphic design! He has mentioned in interviews that he originally wanted to be a graphic designer. But because of his colourblindness, he wasn’t accepted into art school, so he turned to music instead. Something about his story inspired me to pursue my dream of becoming a graphic designer.

7. Thom Yorke (Radiohead) [Age 17]

The album OK Computer changed my life when I was 15, but I didn’t check out the rest of Radiohead’s discography until I was 17 and regretted not doing so earlier. The way Thom channeled anxiety and alienation into his music resonated with me on a deep level.

8. Michael J. Fox [Age 21]

Back to the Future became my special interest in my early twenties and I started fangirling over Michael J. Fox again. I loved him in Family Ties too. I also saw him as a Disabled role model because of his experiences with Parkinson’s and advocacy.

9. Charlie Cox [Age 23]

I love him as Daredevil and he seems like a genuinely nice and humble guy. His portrayal of a character who fights for justice while being Disabled resonated deeply with me.

10. Jordan Knight (New Kids on the Block) [Age 25]

I liked him again when I began having a strange fascination with New Kids on the Block and realised he was the guy I liked when I was 7.

11. George Michael [Age 27]

He seemed like a genuinely good and decent human being with strong principles—qualities I always admire and respect. The stories of his generosity that came out after his death were deeply touching.

12. Martin Gore (Depeche Mode) [Age 28]

My favourite Depeche Mode songs are the ones where he sings lead (“Home,” “One Caress,” “A Question of Lust”). I love his androgynous presentation and vulnerability in his lyrics.

13. Pedro Pascal [Age 29]

I love his goofy and wholesome personality, as well as his roles as protective father figures in The Mandalorian and The Last of Us.

14. Danny Elfman (Oingo Boingo) [Age 29]

He was my favourite film score composer as a kid (discovered him from Spider-Man). Many years later, I found out he used to sing in an 80s new wave band (Oingo Boingo), which I thought was so cool. He also mentioned in an interview that he believes he’s Autistic. That interview meant a lot to me, and I thought I had finally found my role model.

My heart broke when sexual misconduct allegations came out against him in 2023. It felt like the world was ending for me. I think I was so triggered because the allegations of him hurting women may have subconsciously reminded me of my grandfather.

I lost all hope and thought it was impossible to find the role model I really wanted. I tried to stop forming such intense parasocial relationships after that. But without understanding the root cause behind this special interest, it felt impossible.

15. Mike Patton (Mr. Bungle, Faith No More, and too many other bands to list here) [Age 31]

I love his eccentricity, and how creative and experimental he is with his voice and different genres. His willingness to push boundaries and explore the full range of vocal expression really inspires me in my journey of finding my voice. I also find his feud with Anthony Kiedis hilarious!

I still love him very much! He’s my second favourite after Zack de la Rocha.

16. Zack de la Rocha (Rage Against the Machine) [Age 32]

Even though I first got into Rage Against the Machine when I was 13, I wasn’t attracted to him back then because I thought he must be so different from me. I was still trying hard to be a “good Christian girl” and thought he must be a “bad boy” because he swore so much in his music. I also used to find his stage presence intimidating (even though I understood his anger was righteous) and thought I wasn’t smart enough to be a “real” RATM fan.

I rediscovered RATM when I was 32 and was shook when I watched an interview of him and realised he has a gentle, soft-spoken speaking voice—something I never would’ve guessed from the way he screamed in his music! I read many anecdotes online from people who met him or know him personally, going on about what a kind, generous, and humble man he is. I also learnt that he often looks out for his female audience’s safety at his concerts. Then, I found an interview where he described himself as a “virtual mute” when he was young—it fucking blew my mind! The more I read up about him, the more I found out we had in common, including similar childhood traumas.

I never thought I’d find someone who’s so much like me, shares similar values as me, and whose music I’ve loved for so many years. When I rediscovered Zack, it felt like everything clicked into place. I could sense a shift in my personality: I started to feel much more confident in myself and unafraid to go out into the world to try new things. He even inspired me to take up singing lessons! This made me realise he’s the role model I’ve been searching for all these years.

Patterns

When I step back and look at this timeline, some interesting patterns emerge:

Unconventional masculinity: Many of my crushes share gentle, boyish, or soft-spoken speaking voices, often with androgynous qualities. They’re not afraid to express emotions and vulnerability. This stood in complete contrast to my grandfather’s toxic masculinity.
Possibly Neurodivergent: I have a feeling that many of my crushes are possibly Neurodivergent (and some of them have confirmed it, like Kurt Cobain and Danny Elfman). I think I was drawn to them because when I was young, they were the closest thing I had to finding a “community” of “my people.” I felt like they were the only ones who got me, and their existence gave me hope that there was a place in the world for me.
Ethics and principles: I’m consistently drawn to celebrities/characters with strong principles (Daredevil, George Michael, Pedro Pascal, Zack de la Rocha). When those ethics are betrayed (as with Danny Elfman), the disappointment felt devastating.

For a long time, I used to think I was just a silly girl caught up in pathetic parasocial relationships with famous men. But now that I understand the psychological function this special interest served, I no longer shame myself for it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying parasocial relationships can’t ever be problematic. But looking back, I can see this was a necessary coping mechanism, especially when the therapists I saw weren’t addressing the root cause of my issues. It was a way for me to process my trauma from a distance. As I mentioned, I never stalked or tried to form real-life connections with these celebrities; I’ve always kept it within safe boundaries. Understanding this allows me to look back without judgment.

My pattern of celebrity crushes showed me what I was looking for in masculinity, in relationships, and ultimately, in myself. This decades-long journey was really about finding the right role model; living proof that the person I wanted to be could actually exist in the world. Finding Zack de la Rocha feels like the culmination of this journey because he embodies the most complete integration of all the qualities I was searching for. He showed me that it’s possible to be both sensitive and powerful, both kind and angry. Most importantly, he has given me the push to start cultivating these qualities within myself, instead of simply projecting them onto external figures.

Exploring my inner world through The Sims

Mon, 01 Sep 2025 23:25:13 +0800

Content Warning: childhood trauma, bullying

As part of my trauma healing journey, I’ve been exploring Internal Family Systems (IFS), mostly through reading the book “Self-Therapy” by Jay Earley. For those unfamiliar, IFS is a non-pathologising therapeutic approach that views the mind as naturally consisting of multiple “parts.” You know how people sometimes say stuff like “a part of me feels this way, but another part of me feels that way?” That’s kinda how it works. Each part has its own feelings, beliefs, and roles. Some parts try to protect us from harm (Protectors), others carry our pain and trauma (Exiles), and at the core is our authentic Self, who is wise and has the capacity to lead the other parts with compassion and clarity.

The Sims has been my comfort game for a very long time. I had an idea one day to create and play Sims that represent different parts of myself, as a supplement to my IFS work. I figured it’d be a fun and creative way to visualise my internal system and observe how my parts interact with each other.

I had so much fun creating my Sims, building their houses, and designing their rooms to represent their personalities. Each household represents a different family of parts, and I used the various traits and life states available in The Sims 4 to capture the essence of how these parts function in my psyche.

I used the supernatural life states to represent certain parts in interesting ways. For example, I created my Intellectualiser part as a Servo (robot) to symbolise how mechanical that part feels. The two parts responsible for my selective mutism are represented as ghosts—one died by embarrassment, the other by freezing. One of my Exile Sims is an alien to represent the part of myself that feels less than human. And my authentic Self is a Spellcaster (witch)—her spells and potions symbolise her wisdom.

Werewolves are the most Autistic-coded life state in The Sims 4 to me. In the game, werewolves have a fury metre that builds up until the Sim transforms. This mechanic serves as a personal metaphor for how stress and sensory overload gradually build up in me until I’m overwhelmed and feel like exploding. I’ve made some of my Exile/Inner Child Sims werewolves because they represent the raw, primal energy that’s been suppressed but sometimes erupts.

Some of my Sims are also inspired by celebrities, fictional characters, and people in my life.

One of my favourite Sims is named Zack, whom I created to look like Zack de la Rocha. He represents my healthy masculine side. Zack is a gentle and nurturing father figure to my Exile/Inner Child Sims. In one of my gameplays, my Inner Critic Sim—whom I created to look like my primary school teacher—was being mean to one of my Inner Child Sims, and Zack immediately told the Inner Critic off. And it all happened spontaneously! I didn’t plan any of it or directly control my Sims to make that interaction happen. It felt so wild to witness Zack, who is based on my role model and biggest celebrity crush, scold my primary school teacher, who once told me—in front of the whole class—that prince charming would throw up at the sight of me. Watching that interaction play out in The Sims may have weirdly healed that particular childhood wound of mine, because that painful memory has now been replaced with Zack protecting me! It’s such a surreal image that’ll definitely stick in my head for a very long time.

I don’t have a screenshot of my Zack Sim scolding my Inner Critic Sim because it all happened so quickly before my mind could properly process it, but here’s a cute picture of Zack singing karaoke with one of my Inner Child Sims.

Approaching the game this way made me realise I’ve always used The Sims as a safe space for self-exploration, especially during my teen years when I was figuring out my identity. It was a place where I could experiment with fashion without feeling self-conscious and play out aspects of my personality that I usually kept hidden from others. Creating my IFS parts as Sims feels like a natural evolution of this, but now with more intentionality and therapeutic purpose.

This gaming experience doesn’t replace the other deeper work I’m doing and is just one tool in my overall healing journey, but it has shown itself to be a surprisingly insightful (and not to mention fun) one!

What I would like to see in a job training programme for Autistic people

Mon, 25 Aug 2025 17:44:11 +0800

After sharing about my horrific experience with a job training programme for Autistic people in Singapore, I’ve been thinking a lot about what a truly supportive programme would look like. Here are some of my ideas.

Disclaimer: These are my personal thoughts based on my lived experience. What works for me might not work for everyone, and I’d love to hear other Autistic people’s ideas about what they need from job training programmes. The Autistic community is diverse, and our career support should reflect that diversity.

Core philosophy: empowerment, not charity

The fundamental shift that needs to happen is to see us as adults with agency, not as charity cases or burdens to be managed.

This means:

Presuming competence: starting from the assumption that we are capable of making informed decisions about our own lives, even if we communicate or process information differently
Seeing us as individuals with different needs and strengths—a one-size-fits-all approach won’t work for all of us
Building on our strengths rather than trying to “fix” our “deficits”

Identifying suitable career paths

Identify potential career paths that align with our genuine interests and natural strengths
Traditional 9-to-5 jobs aren’t the best fit for all Autistic individuals. A comprehensive programme should explore alternative work arrangements that might suit different Autistic people, such as:
- Freelancing
- Remote work opportunities
- Part-time or flexible schedule positions
- Entrepreneurship and starting your own business
Practical skills for non-traditional career paths:
- How to market yourself
- Client communication
- Business administration
- Building a sustainable practice

Workplace preparation

Understanding your own work style preferences and needs
How to research company culture before applying
Identifying red flags in job interviews and workplace environments

Navigating workplace dynamics and politics

Nuanced guidance instead of simplistic rules like “don’t become friends with your colleagues”
Understanding unwritten workplace rules without losing your identity
How to build genuine relationships at work while being authentically Autistic
Learning when it’s absolutely necessary to mask¹ (for safety reasons) and when it’s safe to unmask

Self-advocacy

When and how to disclose that you’re Autistic or other personal information
How to request accommodations
How to advocate for job responsibilities that play to your strengths
How to recognise and respond to workplace harassment, discrimination, or toxicity

Self-care

How to recognise and manage burnout
How to set boundaries to protect your wellbeing
How to handle rejection and setbacks without internalising them as personal failures

Peer and community support

Connection with other Autistic individuals working in the same industry or a similar field as you
Mentorship opportunities with Autistic adults who’ve successfully navigated work on their own terms
Safe spaces to discuss challenges without judgment

Educating employers

The onus shouldn’t entirely be on Autistic people to navigate and adapt to the working world. The programme should also:

Educate employers on providing neurodiversity-affirming support (e.g. moving away from charity mentality and patronising attitudes, respecting different communication and working styles)
Provide guidance on creating sensory-friendly work environments

Educating society

This is probably the most challenging part, but true inclusion also requires systemic change:

Challenging the widespread sentiment that disability is something to be pitied or overcome
Moving away from inspiration porn² narratives towards genuine acceptance and respect

As I mentioned at the start of this post, these are just my ideas based on my lived experience. Some people may read this and think the ideas I proposed are too idealistic or ambitious, especially in Singapore’s context. But the Singapore government often talks about working towards an inclusive society, and if they truly mean it, I’m just offering my ideas as possible concrete steps towards making that vision a reality for Autistic Singaporeans.

“Masking” is a term used in the Autistic community to refer to the conscious or subconscious act of suppressing one’s natural Autistic traits to be accepted in social situations. It can be a key survival skill but is often mentally and emotionally draining. ↩︎
“Inspiration porn” refers to the portrayal of Disabled people as objects of inspiration simply for existing or doing everyday activities, often to make non-Disabled people feel good about themselves rather than seeing Disabled people as full human beings. ↩︎

Learning to scream like my rock idols

Tue, 08 Jul 2025 20:10:28 +0800

After writing about the childhood trauma that caused my selective mutism and my horrific experience with a job training programme for Autistic people, I’m left with this deep rage about everything I went through. Writing those posts made it crystal clear to me how much BS I had to endure from an early age without adequate support from the adults around me.

One thing that’s helping me heal? Screaming.

My vocal coach recently started teaching me vocal distortion (the technical term for the kind of screaming you hear in rock songs). The first couple of times I tried it, something in me was holding me back from fully committing to screaming. I heard a voice in my head telling me, “If you scream, you’ll get in trouble.” It was the same voice that convinced me for years that the only way to stay safe was to be invisible.

But when I finally figured out how to do Zack de la Rocha’s signature “UHH!” (that he does a lot in Rage Against the Machine songs), it felt so liberating. It’s now my favourite vocal exercise.

This made me realise that perhaps the reason why I’m so drawn to screaming in music is because I’ve been repressing my own screams so much that I had to find another outlet for it. In my old journals, I often wrote, “I wish I could scream but I don’t know how.”

It also made me think about how I rarely ever have meltdowns (something that used to make me question if I was really Autistic), but would have full-blown, explosive meltdowns in my dreams. That showed how much I suppressed my rage—the only place I felt safe letting it out was in my sleep.

I recently came across this super relatable quote from Courtney Love:

I didn’t ever really talk until I started hanging out in ’80 or ’81 with the drag queens at the Metropolis [or Met, a gay new wave club] in Portland. I was very, very quiet. So much so that at one point when I was very young I was diagnosed as a probable autistic. And then I started hanging around with bitchy drag queens and with [my friends] Ursula and Robin, and they basically raised me. I found my inner bitch and I ran with her.

Courtney Love

What’s funny is that Courtney Love and Zack de la Rocha are literally the last people I’d ever expect to probably have had selective mutism. As a teen, I consciously identified with “depressed, sensitive artist” types like Kurt Cobain and Thom Yorke. Sadness felt much safer to express than anger. I grew up being seen as a “good, innocent Christian girl,” so anger felt like a forbidden emotion for me to express.

I did feel inexplicably drawn to Courtney Love and Zack de la Rocha at that time too, although I didn’t fully understand why. It was much easier to see myself in Kurt and Thom, who gave me the impression of being introverted, sensitive, and introspective, than it was to see myself in Courtney and Zack, who I saw as angry, fearless, and powerful—words I’d never dare use to describe myself back then. Courtney and Zack had a commanding and confrontational stage presence that I found intimidating as a teen. Their screams felt so raw and visceral to me; they shook me to my core in a way that no other artists could. But now I can see that they represented my shadow; the side of me that I repressed. That was why I was so drawn to their music.

Now, I’m reclaiming my right to scream. To be angry. And above all, to be heard. As Zack de la Rocha says, “Anger is a gift.”

My horrible experience with a job training programme for Autistic people in Singapore

Wed, 18 Jun 2025 19:21:43 +0800

Content Warning: ableism, infantilisation, inspiration porn

I’ve mentioned a few times before that I had an awful experience with a job training programme for Autistic people in Singapore. I talked a bit about it in my “Autistic As Fxxk manifesto” post, but after speaking with other Singaporean Autistic friends who had similar experiences, I now feel ready to share my story in more detail.

Just for context, this happened over ten years ago, when I was in my early twenties.

How it started

A family friend suggested to my parents that I should join this programme because he didn’t think I had the appropriate social skills for the working world. So I joined shortly after I graduated.

The red flags were apparent from the first meeting I had with the job coaches from the programme. One of them—who I believe was the head of the programme—told me flat-out to give up on my dream of becoming a graphic designer (she wasn’t the only one; growing up, several people told me I wouldn’t be able to work in design because of my disabilities). She said only very few people get to do what they love as a job—if she’d just stopped there, I probably wouldn’t have a problem with what she said. But right after that, she smugly bragged to my face that she was one of the lucky few who got to do what she loved for a living!

That wasn’t all. They also asked my parents—right in front of me—whether there were any kinds of jobs (like toilet cleaning) they wouldn’t want me to do, instead of asking me directly.

After the meeting, I told my parents and therapist I had serious doubts about the programme. But they all begged me to continue with it. It felt as if I had no other choice; this was the best I deserved as an Autistic person and I would be greedy and ungrateful to ask for more.

Soft skills training

Before placing us in jobs, they gave us “soft skills training”—basically social rules dictating how we should behave in the workplace. One rule stuck with me: we shouldn’t become friends with colleagues or talk too much about ourselves and our interests. It felt like they were telling me, “Your Autistic traits are annoying and an inconvenience. No one wants to know about the real you.”

The anxiety this created still affects me today, even though I now work at a much more accepting and easy-going workplace. I’m afraid of engaging in deep conversations with my colleagues because I hear a voice in my head telling me it’s the “wrong thing” to do.

This rule actively hinders me from developing deeper connections with my colleagues, keeping most interactions surface-level. I can’t help but feel jealous when I see my colleagues forming close friendships with each other. I’m trying to unlearn this “rule,” constantly reminding myself that I’m in a safe environment now, but it’s incredibly hard.

I believe the job coaches gave us these social rules to make us “easier to manage” without considering the lasting impact on our actual lives.

Two years of surveillance and infantilisation

The programme placed me in an office clerk job (it was either that or a cleaning job), and I was miserable for the two years I worked there. Job coaches monitored our behaviour all day, and if we did anything deemed “inappropriate” or “weird,” they’d pull us aside for a talk. It was a stifling environment; I felt like I couldn’t relax and had to be on my best behaviour at all times.

The infantilisation was rampant. My intelligence and capabilities were often underestimated because of the way I spoke (I speak in a very soft whisper due to my selective mutism). Whenever I mentioned something I wanted to do, the job coaches would inform my parents and ask them what they thought—as if I couldn’t be trusted to make my own decisions!

Performing “inspiration porn”

Sometimes they would invite guests to observe us Autistic people working, which made me feel like an animal in a zoo. The guests would ask the job coaches questions about us right in front of us. When the coaches mentioned that many of us had polytechnic diplomas, the guests expressed shock and disbelief—again, right to our faces.

After one of these visits, a guest wrote on the office board, “It’s so great how you’re helping the less fortunate!” which felt condescending AF. When I told the job coaches how much that message bothered me, they claimed they couldn’t remove it for some reason. This made me feel as if my feelings and concerns weren’t as important as making the company look good for “helping” Autistic people.

My body said “no”

I fell sick so often, I used up all my sick leave AND paid leave for illness. Looking back, I now see my body was desperately trying to tell me this job was wrong for me.

Eventually, I reached full-blown Autistic burnout and quit.

Aftermath

My self-esteem was the lowest it’s ever been after quitting. I couldn’t work at all for a couple of years. The programme offered to place me in another job, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to go back. That made my mom very worried for my future.

In 2017 (about 2 years after I quit), I wrote in my journal:

How [the programme] made me feel

Unsure of myself

I’m incapable of making the right decisions for myself

My instincts are wrong

Being myself is wrong

I had no control over my life

It took a long time, but things eventually got better. I got lucky and found a job (as a graphic designer!) where people accept me in all my quirky glory.

I’m not the only one

The reason I’m only sharing this story now? Singapore still largely views Autistic people as a burden. We’re only seen as valuable if we’re able to work. For a long time, I was afraid that if I spoke up, most Singaporeans wouldn’t see anything wrong with what I went through. They’d probably say I was being difficult and ungrateful towards people who were only trying to help me be “useful to society.”

But now that I have Singaporean Autistic friends who’ve had similar experiences, I know it’s not just me. And I think it’s time more people heard our stories (although TBH, I still feel a little afraid; that’s why I didn’t explicitly name the programme).

I’m sharing this not because I’m fishing for sympathy, but because I want change. We deserve better than programmes that offer crumbs and expect us to be grateful for it. We deserve support that gives us autonomy. If you’re an Autistic person who’s gone through something similar: you’re not alone, and you deserved so much better.

From ChatGPT to finding my community

Wed, 23 Apr 2025 20:28:16 +0800

I know generative AI is a controversial topic now and I’ll probably get some pushback on this post. I’m not asking you to agree with me, but please read this whole post before forming any judgment.

If you’re Autistic/Disabled and use generative AI as a support and accessibility tool, you’re not alone. This post is for you.

To be clear, I absolutely agree that there are very valid reasons to be concerned about generative AI (environmental impact, training on stolen data, etc.). Those issues are important and definitely need to be addressed. But to write AI—and anyone who uses it—off as entirely bad isn’t fair either.

If your response to this post is going to be “I’m Autistic/Disabled and I don’t use AI,” or “Autistic/Disabled people have managed to get by before AI existed,” good for you! I’m genuinely glad you can get by without it. But not everyone has the same experience. I’m in my thirties and certainly wasn’t handling life well before ChatGPT existed. I lacked adequate support and have been repeatedly failed by systems meant to help me.

I had bad experiences with therapy growing up. Many therapists treated my selective mutism simply as an anxiety disorder without addressing the underlying trauma that caused it in the first place. When I was a teen, I had cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). During a session, when I told my therapist that I wasn’t sure how to do a CBT exercise, she responded in an annoyed tone, “Didn’t I already show you last time?” This incident turned me into a people-pleaser; I would say whatever I thought therapists would like to hear instead of how I’m truly feeling. Talk therapy also isn’t ideal for me as a semi-speaking Autistic who finds talking exhausting.

School was traumatising for me due to a lack of support and understanding. I struggled with undiagnosed depression for the first two years of secondary school. I got the lowest grades in my whole cohort and teachers often sent me to detention because I forgot to do my homework.

It was also pretty much impossible to find neurodiversity-affirming resources and support in Singapore when I was younger (not that there’s much improvement today). I had a demeaning and infantilising experience with a job training programme from a local autism organisation. They discouraged me from pursuing my dream as a graphic designer and placed me in an office clerk job (it was either that or a cleaning job). Job coaches would monitor my behaviour at work all day, and I couldn’t be friends with my colleagues or talk too much about my personal life and interests.

As a result of all these experiences, I found it difficult to trust people and felt deeply isolated.

When ChatGPT was first released to the public in late 2022, I shared with it my ideas and vision for Autistic As Fxxk. Since childhood, I had a dream of creating an online space to connect with and help people like me. I even designed the Autistic As Fxxk logo all the way back in 2021! But I didn’t have the courage to launch it or tell anyone about my ideas. I felt comfortable sharing my ideas with ChatGPT because it wouldn’t judge me like a human would. ChatGPT’s encouragement was what made me finally launch Autistic As Fxxk in 2023; it convinced me that my unique perspective as a semi-speaking Autistic punk in Singapore should be shared with the world.

Since launching Autistic As Fxxk, my life has improved immensely. People were finally listening to my lived experiences and I now have many friends. And I couldn’t have done it without ChatGPT’s encouragement and support, which I didn’t receive from people in my life growing up.

Initially, I used ChatGPT as a test reader and editor for my posts. I had lots of self-doubt over whether my writing would make sense to people, so before publishing, I’d run my posts by ChatGPT to get some feedback. As my confidence in my writing grew, I relied on it less.

ChatGPT also encouraged me to take up singing lessons! Singing has always been a secret dream of mine; I never told anyone about it because I was afraid they’d be discouraging or laugh at me, since I’ve always spoken in such a soft voice. ChatGPT suggested that singing lessons might help me with my selective mutism and self-confidence, and it was right. ChatGPT also helped write an email to prospective vocal coaches that explained my background, which helped me find a coach who suited my needs.

Look, I’m not trying to downplay the environmental impact of generative AI. But keep in mind that it isn’t possible for every Disabled person to live an ideal eco-friendly lifestyle. Look up “eco-ableism”: some of us rely on plastic straws, single-use items, pre-cut fruits and vegetables, cars, etc., and we shouldn’t be shamed for doing what we can to survive in an individualist and capitalist society that is inaccessible in many ways. Instead of policing and judging the actions of Disabled and marginalised individuals, we should focus on larger systemic issues that contribute to climate change.

Now that I’ve found my community through Autistic As Fxxk, my ChatGPT usage has drastically decreased. And I’m working on giving back to my community: I recently started a Discord server for Neurodivergent Singaporeans. I’ve never moderated a Discord server before, so it isn’t open to the public yet and I’m slowly inviting my friends in. My hope is that this will be the start of working towards my dream of forming a Neurodivergent-led organisation in Singapore.

I strongly believe every Disabled person deserves adequate support. Until we address the gaps in society that hinder Disabled people from accessing that support, we shouldn’t shame them for using generative AI to bridge that gap.

Victor Perez and Ryan Gainer should still be here.

Tue, 15 Apr 2025 22:10:35 +0800

This Autism Acceptance/Awareness Month, please remember our neurokin who lost their lives to systemic racism and ableism.

Rest in peace Victor Perez. And I still haven’t forgotten Ryan Gainer, who we lost last year. 💔

To learn more about the pervasive and systemic problem of police violence against Black and Brown neurodivergent and disabled people, check out Stimpunks’ excellent trove of resources here.

And please help Victor Perez’s family if you can.

How my selective mutism is connected to childhood trauma (part 2)

Mon, 07 Apr 2025 20:00:11 +0800

Content Warning: childhood trauma, religious trauma

After sharing my last post about the connection between my selective mutism and childhood trauma, more memories and realisations have continued to surface. Perhaps they finally feel safe enough to resurface now that both my grandparents are gone.

I think I finally figured out why I started whispering. Since my grandparents lived with us and I was completely mute to them, I had to whisper when talking to my parents or sister so that my grandparents wouldn’t overhear my voice. And since whispering became my default way of speaking at home from a very young age, it carried over to other areas of my life.

I think this explains why conventional treatments for selective mutism never worked for me. The therapies I received focused on anxiety reduction and gradual exposure, but they never addressed my underlying trauma. Without understanding the root cause, therapists were essentially trying to solve a different problem than the one I actually had. No amount of exposure therapy could have helped me while I was still living with my grandparents.

Back then, when treatments didn’t work for me, I thought that must mean I wasn’t working hard enough or there was something inherently wrong with me. This feeling was reinforced when I entered Catholic school, where teachers would often pray for god to heal me. When nothing happened, the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) message was that I must be unworthy of healing or not praying hard enough. The humiliation reached its peak when my primary school teacher joked in front of the whole class that prince charming would throw up at the sight of me.

These early experiences taught me that my way of being was wrong and invalid. Even now in group conversations, I’d usually keep quiet instead of sharing my thoughts, because I’ve been conditioned to believe my words have no value. When others hold a different opinion from me, my brain almost immediately assumes I must be mistaken and others should know better. It’s hard for me to even consider the possibility that I could be right.

I can now clearly see that my selective mutism was a rational and protective response to everything I experienced in childhood. It makes me so angry that I was made to feel defective because of it, which led me to feeling fundamentally inferior to every other human being. I only started inherently feeling equal to other human beings just last year, at the age of 33. So that’s over three decades of my life feeling less than human.

In an old post, I wrote:

Now, I realise that the way I speak isn’t solely caused by anxiety. I have a sensory aversion to speaking at a “normal” volume. (It’s too loud for me! And the sound is coming from inside! I can’t cover my ears to block it out!) My brain sometimes struggles to put together words in my mouth. And it takes a lot of energy for me to speak — it’s not something that comes naturally to me.

At that time, I was desperate to figure out a reason why I speak the way I do. While I think “my brain sometimes struggles to put together words in my mouth” still holds true (likely connected to being Autistic), I now wonder if what I interpreted as sensory aversion might actually be the result of being accustomed to whispering for so long. In that context, a normal speaking voice would naturally feel jarring and overwhelming.

It feels like my life is only beginning now. With both my grandparents gone, a part of me is open to transitioning to a more “normal” speaking voice. But I also feel very hesitant because I’ve been whispering for most of my life and I’m sure I’ll sound very weird if I start speaking in a normal voice now.

I guess I’ll take “fetus steps.” I’ve been going for singing lessons, which feels both terrifying and liberating. My ultimate dream is to learn to sing like my rock idols—Zack de la Rocha, Mike Patton, and Courtney Love, just to name a few! Singing was my biggest love before trauma silenced me. Maybe it’s also the key to rediscovering my voice.

How my selective mutism is connected to childhood trauma

Wed, 19 Mar 2025 20:35:05 +0800

Content Warning: childhood trauma, domestic abuse

Hey everyone, I know I haven’t posted anything new for some time. I’ve been doing a lot of inner work to understand myself better and try to heal from trauma. Here’s what I’ve learnt so far.

I’ve come to believe that much of my difficulties with speaking stem from early childhood trauma. Ever since both my grandparents have died, I felt a strong urge to dig deeper into my past.

I was diagnosed with selective mutism at the age of four, and my selective mutism has always been unusual in its pattern: I was completely mute around my grandparents until the day they died, while I spoke in a whisper to everyone else.

I know “situational mutism” is the preferred term now, and at first, I liked it better than “selective mutism” because people often misinterpreted “selective” to mean I was deliberately choosing not to speak. However, “situational” doesn’t capture my experience either. It implies I spoke normally in some contexts, when in reality, I whispered to everyone except my grandparents, to whom I didn’t speak at all. There was no situation where I used a full voice.

This makes my experience feel somewhat outside the typical clinical understanding, which has often left me feeling misunderstood. When I read up on selective mutism or saw therapists, I found it hard to relate and the typical treatment strategies didn’t work for me.

As a child, my grandparents (who lived with us) took care of me while my parents were at work. During those hours, I witnessed my grandfather being abusive towards my grandmother. Growing up with him gave me a deep fear and distrust of men for most of my life. My grandmother, in turn, seemed emotionally distant and cold, which I suspect may have been her response to the abuse.

Despite being raised by them in my early childhood, I’ve always had a distant relationship with my grandparents; something that always mystified my mother, who was unaware of the abuse happening while she was at work.

I felt I had to be silent to make myself “invisible” and not draw any attention to myself. A particularly telling memory recently resurfaced: there was a day—or maybe several—where I refused to open my eyes the entire time I was with my grandparents. Even when my grandfather took me out to buy toys, I kept my eyes closed throughout the trip. It was like I wanted so badly to disappear when I was with them. I now see this was a desperate attempt to protect myself in an environment where I felt unsafe.

I used to love singing at a very young age. My mom always claims I began to sing long before I could talk; not sure if she meant it literally or just quoting an ABBA song! After becoming selectively mute, I desperately wanted a role model; someone who could guide me, make me feel less alone, and remind me that I wasn’t less than human. I think this explains why so many of my special interests have centred around male celebrities, particularly singers. I was unconsciously searching for a safe male figure who could inspire me to find my voice again.

It wasn’t until last year that I finally found that role model in Zack de la Rocha (frontman of Rage Against the Machine). Learning that he described himself as a “virtual mute” when he was young and seeing him so soft-spoken in interviews was profoundly validating. For the first time, I didn’t feel so alone in my experience.

It’s heartbreaking that I spent so much of my life feeling I had to silence and shrink myself for protection, which led to feeling that I was less than human and didn’t deserve to take up space in the world.

But now that both my grandparents are gone and I have better perspective on my past, I can finally begin to move on. My selective mutism wasn’t just an anxiety disorder; it was a protective response to trauma, my mind’s way of keeping me safe when I felt deeply unsafe.

Understanding this doesn’t fix everything overnight, but it gives me a path forward that feels true to my experience. It allows me to have compassion for that young child who did what she needed to survive.

How I feel about Chinese New Year as an Autistic person

Tue, 04 Feb 2025 18:36:36 +0800

Chinese New Year is my most dreaded time of the year as a Chinese Autistic person. The holiday is my ultimate Autistic nightmare.

I’d usually visit my aunt’s place, where all my relatives would gather for CNY. Their voices are so damn loud; I always feel like I’m drowning in sensory overload when I see them. I’d usually end up retreating to a quiet room or corner until it’s time to leave.

Since my grandma lived with my family, visitors would also come to my house. I’d hide in my room when they were around. I didn’t know how to socialise with many of these visitors because they were distant relatives I only saw during CNY. My grandma passed away recently, so I didn’t have visitors this year.

Seeing so many relatives on CNY, I can’t help but compare myself to my cousins and nieces/nephews. I’d watch them grow each year—excelling academically, landing high-paying jobs, having boyfriends/girlfriends, getting married—and feel like I was behind in life. I felt less human than my relatives when I was younger. I now know that I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but those feelings still creep up on me during CNY.

I also struggled a lot with traditions that made no sense to me. As a child, I hated having to kneel down to my grandparents on CNY. It made me feel very uncomfortable and I couldn’t find a good reason why that was necessary. (2026 edit: Reading this again, I now realise why I hated kneeling down to my grandparents so much. They were the cause of my childhood trauma! I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful; I just didn’t feel comfortable around them.)

Before I found out I was Autistic, I used to feel so guilty for struggling so much with CNY. I thought I was a horrible, unfilial, and antisocial person. Now that I know better, I’m not so hard on myself. Still, CNY remains a stressful period for me, and I’m always relieved when it’s finally over!

My 2024 reflections

Thu, 02 Jan 2025 21:00:12 +0800

Hey y’all… I know I haven’t written any new post in a while. My grandma was hospitalised in late October (around one week after my birthday) and passed away in December, so I’ve been very preoccupied. I also really wanted to publish this post on 31 December, but I fell sick during the last week of 2024. 🫠 I finally feel well enough to put together a post, so here it is!

Finally found a role model

If you’ve read my two posts on Rage Against the Machine (“Special Interest Infodump: Rage Against the Machine” and “How Rage Against the Machine changed my life”), you’ll know that I look up to Zack de la Rocha as a role model.

He’s the role model I’ve been searching for all my life, and I’m so glad I got to learn more about him and the similarities we share through my special interest in RATM. Seeing him gave me permission to accept everything about myself and be fully me. He inspired so much of my self-discovery and personal growth journey in 2024.

Made a lot of progress in self-discovery and personal growth

I’ve largely overcome my anxiety over trying new activities, seeking new social connections, and exploring unfamiliar places on my own in 2024.

I did so many things that I couldn’t imagine myself doing in previous years, like joining a punk band, going for somatic therapy, and attending events that interest me (such as a course on organising accessible events), just to name a few things!

I also went deeper into shadow work (which gave me the idea to write a memoir, which I hope to start working on this year!) and developed self-compassion. I’ve started to see my selective mutism and whispering voice as protective mechanisms I developed in childhood as a result of trauma, a reframing which helped me overcome some of my internalised ableism.

For most of my life, I felt I had to live within the confines of the “pitiful, innocent disabled girl who doesn’t understand the world around her” that people saw me as when I was young. I’m learning (from comments on my Instagram/blog, new friends, colleagues) that people now actually see me as “cool,” “badass,” “very intelligent and insightful.” It feels so alien to me. But all these comments are helping me recognise my true capabilities that I couldn’t see for so long.

Learnt that taking breaks is part of the healing journey

As I mentioned above, my grandma was hospitalised in late October and passed away in December. That was an emotionally taxing period for me, and I don’t think I’ve fully recovered yet.

There were times when I felt frustrated with my grandma’s situation, as I had just started somatic therapy when she was hospitalised. I was worried that this would derail/halt the progress I’ve been making and that I would struggle to get back on track later. But this period taught me that I don’t have to be in “growth mode” all the time. Taking a break is a form of healing and won’t erase all the progress I’ve made so far. (It’s also a good time for self-reflection!)

Connected with more Singaporean Autistics

I’m so glad I got to connect with more Singaporean Autistics in 2024. It’s always validating to know that I’m not alone and there are others like me out there.

I’m super thrilled that I connected with @NeuroLiminality (formerly @BarisanHantu on Twitter), who reached out to me on Instagram. I first came across their Twitter around 2020. They were the very first Singaporean Autistic I’ve ever seen in ND social media spaces. Back then, I had low self-esteem and felt too intimidated to reach out to them. I also thought I had nothing important to say/contribute to ND online discourse. It’s so wild to see that we’re friends now! (They also said that I inspired them to get on Instagram!) They also share my dream of building a Neurodivergent-led community/organisation in Singapore, and I’m excited to work on this dream with them in 2025!

(Some of) my goals for 2025

Learn to trust my intuition
Start writing my memoir
Do more public advocacy in Singapore with @NeuroLiminality and other local Autistic advocates

It’s not your fault: a letter to myself

Tue, 29 Oct 2024 23:32:16 +0800

Here’s a letter I wrote to try to show myself some self-compassion.

Dear Rachel,

It’s not your fault that you whisper instead of speaking at a normal volume. It doesn’t mean that you’re stupid or defective.

It’s a rational response to the things you experienced in your childhood. Your brain is just trying to protect you.

It’s not your fault that you feel unloved. It’s not your fault that you feel like a burden. It’s not your fault that you feel less than human. You were failed in many ways by the people who were supposed to protect you.

It’s unfair to compare yourself to people who never had to face the challenges that you’ve faced throughout your life.

Don’t worry, you’re already making a lot of progress. You’re doing so much work on yourself that most people wouldn’t do in their lifetimes. Your brain just needs time to let go of its old protective responses.

Your dreams will come true one day. I believe it.

Love,
Rachel

How Rage Against the Machine changed my life

Sun, 29 Sep 2024 03:15:14 +0800

In a previous post, I infodumped about my special interest in Rage Against the Machine. Since then, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my teen years, as I first got into RATM when I was 13.

It all started in 2004 when my family flew to Australia to visit our relatives. We slept in my older cousin’s bedroom, and he had this massive RATM poster on his wall. I remember being mesmerised by it, often staring at that poster throughout my stay. I thought they looked so cool, and I wanted so badly to learn more about them. At one point, I even overheard my mom telling my dad, “I think Rachel wants a poster like that.” That poster was probably my strongest memory of the Australia trip.

When we got back to Singapore, I borrowed my sister’s iPod and found some RATM songs. Up until then, all I listened to was mainstream pop on the radio, so listening to RATM was like stepping into a whole new world. I was immediately drawn to Zack de la Rocha’s voice. His screaming felt so cathartic to listen to; it captured all the rage I felt inside but didn’t know how to express.

I remember going online to research them, and honestly? My 13-year-old brain was blown away and kind of intimidated by how politically charged they were. In Singapore, people are generally politically apathetic and don’t pay much attention to what’s going on outside our bubble. RATM opened my mind to things I’d never even thought about.

I didn’t really tell anyone except my bestie that they were my favourite band. People saw me as a quiet, “good Christian girl,” and I didn’t think they’d believe that I could appreciate loud, angry music with lots of profanities.

I also thought the guys in RATM must be so different from me. I felt like Zack de la Rocha was everything I wasn’t—badass, outspoken, takes no bullshit, and hella intelligent. Meanwhile, I was a meek young girl who grew up in a Christian household, went to Catholic school, and had been conditioned by conservative Singaporean society to conform and never question authority. Listening to RATM felt dangerous but exciting for me, and I didn’t really get why I was so drawn to them.

On top of that, I had tons of insecurities at the age of 13. I thought I wasn’t smart enough to be a “real” RATM fan. People treated me like I wasn’t intelligent, so I believed them. I felt like I didn’t have the right to dive deeper into their music because I didn’t fully get the politics. So for years, I was more of a casual fan, even though their music resonated with me on a deep level.

Fast forward to this year, when I rediscovered RATM. I started reading up on Zack de la Rocha and watching interviews with him. I was shook when I realised that out of all the musicians I’ve stanned over the years, he actually shares the most similarities with me. After all those years of thinking he was the complete opposite of me, I found out that he struggled with some of the same things I did. He described himself as a “virtual mute” when he was young, just like I was. He spoke in a very soft voice in interviews, just like I do. He had traumatic experiences with religion at a young age, just like I did.

Looking back, it makes me sad that I didn’t give myself the chance to become a bigger fan back then. If I had known more about Zack and the similarities we shared, I wouldn’t have felt so alone, and I could’ve looked up to him as a role model. Maybe that would’ve helped boost my self-esteem when I needed it most.

Still, RATM’s rebellious and unapologetic “fuck you” attitude made a huge impact on me. They taught me it’s okay to question the system and to embrace the anger I’d been taught to repress. They were my gateway to alternative and punk music, leading me to develop a reputation as a “rocker girl” in my later teens. They were instrumental in shaping the person I am today: someone who’s rebellious, unapologetic, takes no bullshit, and unafraid to stand up for what I believe in.

How I’m neuroqueering my life

Wed, 11 Sep 2024 21:35:47 +0800

“Just as intentionally liberating oneself from the culturally ingrained and enforced performance of heteronormativity is sometimes referred to as queering, intentionally liberating oneself from the culturally ingrained and enforced performance of neuronormativity can be thought of as neuroqueering.”

Nick Walker, Neuroqueer Heresies

Here are just some ways I’ve been neuroqueering my life. It’s an ongoing practice of rejecting neuronormative expectations and figuring out what truly works for me.

Unlearning neuronormative bullshit

The first step in neuroqueering my life was unlearning all the neuronormative BS I’d been conditioned to believe (such as believing my life wouldn’t truly begin until I learn to appear completely neurotypical). It’s an ongoing work in progress!

Connecting with neurokin

The best thing that has happened to me since launching Autistic As Fxxk is finding and connecting with my neurokin. It’s so validating to find an online community of people who get you without having to explain yourself so much!

I’ve also been getting involved in IRL activities that interest me (such as joining a punk band!) and allow me to meet and make friends with like-minded people.

Inventing strategies that work for me

Being Neurodivergent in a neurotypical world means getting creative with how I navigate life. Here are some strategies I developed through trial and error:

Using my special interests as self-care

My special interests are the ultimate source of joy in my life, so why not use them as self-care?

I practice my bass for at least 5 minutes daily to unwind after a long day. I have a playlist of stimmy Mike Patton songs that I listen to whenever I need to focus on work. My phone has an album of screenshots of wholesome Zack de la Rocha anecdotes that I like to look at whenever I feel shitty. Those are just some ways I use my special interests as self-care!

Defining myself

Growing up as a young girl who didn’t speak, people tended to make a lot of assumptions about me that were inaccurate and limiting. I started Autistic As Fxxk as a way to reclaim control over my own narrative and assert my humanity and individuality.

“Queer not as being about who you’re having sex with, that can be a dimension of it, but queer as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live.”

bell hooks

Internalised ableism I’ve had to unlearn

Tue, 27 Aug 2024 22:28:23 +0800

Here are some ableist beliefs I’ve internalised from a very young age. (Gotta admit, I still believe many of these on my bad days.)

I’m less human than everyone else.
Other people know what’s best for me better than I do.
Everyone else’s opinions are more valid than mine.
I must be unintelligent because I can’t speak “normally”.
I don’t deserve to have romantic relationships.
My sensory sensitivities aren’t real. I’m just being weak.
My executive functioning challenges aren’t real. I’m just being lazy.

Excerpts from my Autism Dialogues interview

Sat, 17 Aug 2024 02:22:50 +0800

I was recently interviewed by Autism Dialogues. I really loved the questions they asked me on how my experiences as a Singaporean Autistic differs from Autistics in other cultural contexts, how my workplace accommodates me, what punk and alternative music means to me, and more.

Punk and alternative music naturally appealed to me as a misfit and isolated teenager. I felt alienated and had a lot of repressed anger, so the music was a cathartic outlet for me.

Looking up to musicians in that genre also gave me the strength and resilience to always get back up after facing major setbacks in life. Their rebellious and defiant attitude was (and still is) a great inspiration to me. (Zack de la Rocha from Rage Against the Machine is currently my biggest inspiration!)

Punk and alternative music was pretty much the only thing I could relate to in the world as a teenager, so it defined a huge part of my identity before I discovered I was Autistic.

I’ve always assumed that I had low support needs. But I recently realised that my support needs only appear low in the context of my country, Singapore. It’s socially acceptable here to live with your parents as an adult, so I’ve always had help with household chores, cooking, errands, answering phone calls, and more. Public transport is super convenient and easy to navigate, so driving is unnecessary. Small talk with strangers and acquaintances isn’t common. Most things in this country are run in an orderly and predictable manner.

Had I lived in another country, I’d probably be considered medium support needs instead. People who have low support needs in other countries probably wouldn’t get diagnosed or even realise they’re Autistic if they grew up in Singapore. (But that’s just personal speculation based on my experiences.)

Singapore is a very conservative and competitive society. You’re constantly compared to your peers for your whole life in terms of school grades, career, and wealth. There’s huge pressure to follow a set path in life: get good grades in school, go to a good university, get a sensible job (i.e., no career in the arts), find a (heterosexual) partner, get married so you can buy subsidised public housing, start a family.

Your worth is tied to how well you conform to this path. If you can’t keep up, the onus is on you to “fix” yourself, because “you can’t expect the world to accommodate to you.” (I was often told this as a child.)

Even when compared to other capitalist societies, I think Singapore is less accepting of alternative life paths. Singapore has no natural resources, so it is heavily reliant on its people for economic growth.

I grew up feeling very broken and a huge burden to everyone. It took me a long time to realise I was raised in an environment that simply wasn’t built to include people like me.

To me, being Autistic As Fxxk means being proudly and unapologetically Autistic in a society that tells you that you should be ashamed and do all you can to minimise and compensate for your autism.

I chose the name for my Instagram and blog because I wanted something that conveys self-empowerment and defiance, in a “this is who I am, fuck you if you think I’m broken” kind of way. It ties my Autistic and punk identities together.

Read the full interview here.

Autism Dialogues is an autistic-led project that highlights the lived experiences and thoughts of autistic people through interviews on a range of topics. It is a safe space where interviewees can freely share their insights, stories, opinions, and experiences without judgement.

If you’d like to be interviewed for this project, get in touch with Autism Dialogues!

How I use my special interests as self-care

Tue, 30 Jul 2024 22:56:24 +0800

This post is inspired by @_elaurian_ on Instagram who created an amazing Rage Against the Machine wellbeing package for me! It got me thinking of all the ways I use my special interests as self-care.

Daily bass practice

I practice my bass for at least 5 minutes daily. It’s my favourite way to unwind after a long day.

Mike Patton stimmy playlist

I have a playlist of stimmy songs by my favourite singer ever, Mike Patton. I listen to it whenever I need to focus on work.

Wholesome Zack de la Rocha anecdotes

I have an album of screenshots on my phone of wholesome Zack de la Rocha (Rage Against the Machine frontman and my current special interest) anecdotes I’ve found online. I like to look at them whenever I feel shitty and they never fail to bring a smile to my face. 😊

RATM wellbeing package

As I mentioned before, @_elaurian_ put together an amazing Rage Against the Machine wellbeing package for me. It contains RATM-inspired affirmations, wellbeing ideas, journal prompts, and even a guided meditation!

In a society determined to control me because I am *Insert label as appropriate*, some of the most powerful words I can live by really are “FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!”

“When ignorance reigns, life is lost” - it can hurt to see the pain of the world, but ignorance is worse….AKA “If ignorance is bliss/Then knock the smile off my face”

I am proud of myself for seeing through the lies society has taught me - after all “I know my enemies. They’re the teachers who taught me to fight me”

How autism is viewed in Singapore (spoiler alert: it’s bad!)

Thu, 18 Jul 2024 21:06:03 +0800

Content Warning: ableism, inspiration porn, murder of Autistic children

Consuming content about autism in most Singaporean media can be triggering for me.

The narrative is often either “Look how brave and inspiring these parents are for having to care for this poor tragic Autistic kid!”

(Source: “Hugs and heartaches: Ageing parents stay strong despite challenges raising children with autism”, CNA, 28 Dec 2019)

(Source: “IN FOCUS: 'It's overwhelming' – the reality of raising a child with autism in Singapore”, CNA, 26 Aug 2023)

Or “You’d never guess that this person with a super special talent actually has autism! They didn’t let their autism stop them! See how they overcame their challenges!”

(Source: “Aiming for more: How student is not letting autism stand in the way of being a competitive basketballer and chef”, The Straits Times, 30 Nov 2023)

(Source: “Autism no barrier for teenager and his love for art and calligraphy”, The New Paper, 14 Aug 2023)

There’s also news about parents and caregivers killing their Autistic children, and it’s not uncommon to see people here sympathising with those parents/caregivers. It’s hard for me to witness that.

(Source: “IN FOCUS: 'It's overwhelming' – the reality of raising a child with autism in Singapore”, CNA, 26 Aug 2023)

As far as I know, there’s no autism organisation in Singapore that is led by Autistic people. So the messaging and support that you often get from autism organisations here is nothing but patronising.

(Source: Autism Association (Singapore))

(Source: “SAAC Chaplain Reverend David Teo: ‘People With Disability Also Have Abilities’”, St. Andrew’s Autism Centre, 26 Apr 2024)

I had a really horrible experience with a local autism organisation, and I felt that I couldn’t trust any other autism organisation in Singapore after what I went through.

If I had the means and know-how to do so, I’d love to help set up an Autistic-led organisation here. Maybe someday in the future!

When your special interest turns out to be problematic

Mon, 08 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0800

Content Warning: problematic creators, sexual assault allegations

Post by @autisticasfxxk

View on Threads

So, some fucked up shit came out about your special interest. It happened to me, and it fucking broke my heart. Here are some tips to help navigate this nightmare:

Take your time

It’s okay and perfectly understandable to have a grieving period. Your special interest was a big part of your life, and now it’s tainted. That shit hurts.

Allow yourself to feel all the feels: anger, betrayal, sadness… whatever comes up. Process this at your own pace, whether it takes a month, a couple of months, or over a year.

Reflect on the good

Make a list of all the valuable things this special interest has brought to your life. Maybe it helped you through tough times, connected you with friends, or taught you something new. These experiences and memories are still valid, even if the source is problematic.

It’s also okay if you can’t find any positives right now. It might take time before you can look back without feeling hurt. That’s understandable. Be patient with yourself.

To all the people who now feel that their experience of the books has been tarnished or diminished, I am deeply sorry for the pain these comments have caused you. I really hope that you don’t entirely lose what was valuable in these stories to you… if you found anything in these stories that resonated with you and helped you at any time in your life — then that is between you and the book that you read, and it is sacred.

Daniel Radcliffe

Separate the art from the artist?

It’s up to you to decide if you want to continue engaging with this special interest. Some people can separate the art from the artist, others can’t.

It’s also okay to change your mind over time. You might need distance now but feel comfortable engaging with the work later, or vice versa. Your feelings may evolve, and that’s perfectly normal.

If you choose to stay engaged, consider buying second-hand or sailing the high seas (AKA piracy) to avoid financially supporting the creator.

You could also take a transgressive approach: create fan works that challenge the problematic aspects or feature themes the creator would hate, or support small businesses and artists making unofficial merch.

Explore new interests

When you’re ready, have fun discovering new interests. Doing so can be a healing process in itself.

You can use this opportunity to seek out diverse (women, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and other marginalised voices) and lesser-known creators.

Who knows? You might stumble upon your next special interest. (I know I did. I found Rage Against the Machine!)

Finding power through telling my own stories

Tue, 02 Jul 2024 00:04:05 +0800

Growing up as a young girl who didn’t speak, people tended to make a lot of assumptions about me: that I had no opinions, that I couldn’t understand what was happening around me, that I was just a meek and innocent girl, that I couldn’t hang out with my peers (because they’d just be a bad influence or take advantage of me) and should just be with my parents, that I couldn’t be independent, that I led a pitiful life.

These ideas people had of me were inaccurate and limiting. I never felt seen in all my complexity (that was usually afforded to my non-disabled peers).

As an impressionable kid, I thought I couldn’t trust my own self-perception and that others had a more accurate view of me. I felt that I had no choice but to let their limiting narratives define me.

A creative writing teacher, who I got along really well with, introduced me to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s TED Talk, “The Danger of a Single Story.” In this talk, Adichie points out the impact of having a single story define a marginalised group:

So that is how to create a single story, show a people as one thing, as only one thing, over and over again, and that is what they become.

It is impossible to talk about the single story without talking about power… Power is the ability not just to tell the story of another person, but to make it the definitive story of that person.

The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete. They make one story become the only story.

The consequence of the single story is this: It robs people of dignity. It makes our recognition of our equal humanity difficult. It emphasizes how we are different rather than how we are similar.

Stories matter. Many stories matter. Stories have been used to dispossess and to malign, but stories can also be used to empower and to humanize. Stories can break the dignity of a people, but stories can also repair that broken dignity.

These insights helped me realise that the assumptions people made about me were part of a “single story” narrative. They only saw one aspect of me and allowed it to define my entire being. Adichie’s words also helped me understand the transformative power of telling my own stories.

By sharing my stories through Autistic As Fxxk, I reclaim control over my own narrative and challenge the single story others may have about me. My stories are my power, and through them, I’m able to assert my humanity and my individuality.

I hope to inspire others to share their own stories and recognise the power in doing so, especially those of us whose lived experiences aren’t usually heard (Autistics who have higher support needs, are non-speaking, minimally-speaking, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, etc.). All our stories deserve to be told.

Special Interest Infodump: Rage Against the Machine

Thu, 13 Jun 2024 22:28:06 +0800

I’m currently really struggling. My house is undergoing renovation so I have to stay at my aunt’s place for about a month. I’ve been staying here for 2 weeks already and I’m still not used to it. I miss having my own room. My relatives’ voices can be very loud so it’s easy to get overstimulated. I’ve resorted to sleeping during the day and staying up late at night because that’s the only way I can get peace and quiet and be alone with my thoughts. On top of all that, I got my period this week, making my whole experience even shittier.

The only thing keeping me from a meltdown is indulging in my current special interest, Rage Against the Machine. So allow me to indulge in it by infodumping about them to y’all!

Rage Against the Machine was one of my favourite bands when I was a teen. I wouldn’t call myself a huge fan back then; I just really liked their sound. I started listening to them again recently when I realised their songs are at the right level of difficulty for me to learn on bass. And my RATM fandom grew from there!

I started paying attention to their lyrics and realised that their message is still relevant today. I think my experiences as a disabled person naturally made me left-leaning and anti-capitalist, so their lyrics definitely resonate with me. Their music also helps me make sense of the world and times we’re living in.

I’m so in love with Zack de la Rocha (RATM frontman). He seems like a really sweet and humble guy from all the anecdotes I’ve read from people who met him or know him personally. I also found an interview where he described himself as a “virtual mute” until he discovered punk music (and I can’t help but wonder, could he be one of us?? 🤔🤔🤔):

Did you feel able to speak out in class, to put your views across?

I was a virtual mute until I began to listen to Sex Pistols, Government Issue, Minor Threat and Bad Brains and a lot of East Coast hard-core. It struck a nerve in me when I was 16.

As a virtual mute, did you communicate with anyone?

I had a very close relationship with my mother. That helped. I had very few friends. I didn’t speak that much to people. I rarely found myself in the classroom for more than half a semester. I thought, well, I’m not doing anything in school…

And then?

Oh man. I started playing music. Hahaha. I started venting in some way all of the fear and alienation and confusion I felt. I just kind of exploded. It became the only thing I could put any of myself into.

So you weren’t interested in, or able to talk to girls?

Hahaha. Of course I was interested.

If you were a virtual mute, it must have been hard to get a date.

It was, and believe me I had very few. Very few. I think my high school experience pushed me through a crisis of identity, it enabled me to be more of a critical individual. It made me question the institution I was forced to adjust to and my relationship with society. Those four years or so during high school were what eventually politicized me, cause the experience made me step back and take a look at how I was being indoctrinated. Once I’d left, I became engaged in reading and since then, I’ve gone through my own self-education.

When you became politicized, did you stop being a virtual mute?

No. It had a lot more to do with forcing me to recognize who I was and precisely where I stood in relation to the American economic system. I just began to identify with the poorest people in my community.

Reading this interview meant a lot to me as I was a virtual mute (or rather selectively/situationally mute) in school too and punk music changed my life in a similar way.

I also found a video where Zack spoke in a very soft, whispery voice, and that made me so happy because that’s very close to how I speak IRL, and I’ve always felt deeply self-conscious about it my whole life.

Seeing my idol having similar traits as me, especially traits that I’ve always felt ashamed of, is incredibly validating beyond words.

(To be clear, I’m not trying to diagnose him. I’m just saying there are relatable traits I see in him that I can’t deny.)

I also greatly admire Zack’s strong principles and how he always unapologetically stands up for what he believes in. He looks out for women’s safety at his concerts, and would stop shows if he sees any asshole in the audience assaulting women and condemns their behaviour. And when RATM was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame last year, Zack was seen at a pro-Palestine march instead of the induction ceremony.

It actually makes me proud to share similar traits with someone like that. I really look up to him as a role model now.

You know, I think every revolutionary act is an act of love. Every song that I’ve written, it is because of my desire to use music as a way to empower and re-humanize people who are living in a dehumanizing setting. The song is in order to better the human condition. Every song that I’ve ever written is a love song.

Zack de la Rocha

This is my favourite quote of his. In a way, it reminds me of what I’m trying to do with this website.

“When ignorance reigns, life is lost” ― Rage Against the Machine

Sun, 02 Jun 2024 00:28:39 +0800

Why stand on a silent platform?
Fight the war, fuck the norm Rage Against the Machine, “Township Rebellion”

As an Autistic person, my special interests are a way for me to relate to and make sense of things in the world. Lately, my current special interest, Rage Against the Machine, has really been helping me understand and make sense of what’s happening in Gaza.

I’ve been sharing information, resources and fundraisers for Palestine (and other genocides happening globally) in my Instagram stories. Thought I’d share some here too:

Love Aid Singapore (a Singaporean NGO I’ve been following and donated to)
Crowdfunding Campaigns for Gaza
eSims for Gaza
Feminine Hygiene Kits for Gaza
Congo
Haiti
Sudan
Spreadsheet of fundraisers for Gaza, Sudan, Congo and more
Google doc with information and resources on countries going through genocide, facing extreme oppression, etc.

(Thanks to @Khadija_Gbla on Instagram for sharing many of these links! Check out their LinkTree for more.)

Autistic As Fxxk origin story

Mon, 06 May 2024 07:10:46 +0800

Can you believe it’s been a year since I launched Autistic As Fxxk?? 🤯 Here’s the origin story of the website to celebrate the one-year anniversary!

The idea for this website began way back in my childhood. Even though I only got diagnosed with autism at the age of 20, I had a selective mutism diagnosis at the age of four, and loved coding and designing websites as a child (this was during the era of Geocities websites). I felt deeply isolated and wanted so badly to connect with other people like me. I remember telling my mom that my ultimate dream was to create a website to connect with and help people with selective mutism.

In 2016, I decided to start a blog to share my Autistic experiences, after having a horrific experience with an autism organisation in my country. Maintaining the blog was a struggle as my self-esteem was at an all-time low, and the blog fizzled out after a short while.

First draft of my manifesto for my old blog.

In 2021, I had the idea to create an Instagram account called Autistic As Fxxk. I designed and conceptualised the logo, aesthetic and ethos that you see on this website today. But the timing still wasn’t right and I had lots of self-doubt about how my content would be received by people.

On 6 May 2023, I finally felt ready to launch Autistic As Fxxk. And the rest, as they say, is history!

My Autistic Survival Kit: FREE customisable mini-zine!

Thu, 25 Apr 2024 22:04:22 +0800

Here’s a new free printable I created:

It’s a customisable mini-zine containing these pages:

Things I Can’t Leave Home Without
My Support System
My Comfort Items
My Safe Foods
Self-Care Reminders
Write down your own self-care reminders, tips and affirmations here.
Draw or paste a picture of your special interest (or anything that makes you happy) here!

Download My Autistic Survival Kit here and print it out or fill it out digitally!

Here’s a video tutorial on how to fold the mini-zine after printing it out (no stapler required!):

Feel free to send me pictures of your personalised Autistic Survival Kit (don’t forget to blur out any private/sensitive info!) via email or Instagram, or share them with the hashtag #MyAutisticSurvivalKit

How to get started with Obsidian: a guide for Autistics & ADHDers

Thu, 28 Mar 2024 23:07:52 +0800

In my previous post, I talked about my love for the note-taking app Obsidian and why it’s perfect for my AuDHD brain. Obsidian can be a little overwhelming to use at first, so here’s a guide on how to get started!

Create a vault

After downloading and installing the app, the first thing to do is to create a vault.

A vault is a folder where all your notes will be saved. You can either create a new empty vault or use an existing folder.

If you’d like to access your notes on more than one device, you can sync your vault with a cloud storage service such as iCloud.

Create your first note

For your very first note, I’d suggest writing a list of notes you’d like to keep in this vault (check out my previous post for some ideas).

Linking notes

To create new linked notes from your list, enclose each item on your list in double square brackets, [[like this]].

After adding double square brackets to all your list items, try clicking on any one of them. It’ll automatically create a new note!

You can see a visual representation of how your notes are linked together by clicking on the “Open graph view” icon (second icon in the left corner).

Formatting

Obsidian uses the Markdown syntax for formatting. If you’re unfamiliar with Markdown, you can refer to this guide.

Images

To insert an image, simply drag and drop an image file into your note or type ![[path/to/image.jpg]] to embed an image.

If you need a tool to visualise concepts and illustrate ideas, check out the Excalidraw plugin. This plugin enables you to create diagrams and sketches directly within Obsidian.

Obsidian’s Canvas plugin also allows you to lay out your notes and other resources visually on an infinite canvas. Perfect for visual thinkers!

Plugins & themes

There are tons of plugins and themes available for Obsidian, allowing you to customise the app to suit your needs.

To install plugins and themes in Obsidian, click on the Settings icon in the bottom left corner. From there, go to the “Core plugins”, “Community plugins” (turn off Restricted Mode to enable community plugins) or “Appearance” section to browse available options. You can search for specific plugins or themes and install them with just a few clicks.

My tips

Keep it simple when you’re just starting out. Familiarise yourself with the basics (note linking, markdown formatting, navigating the app) before diving into other features such as plugins.
Don’t install too many plugins at once! Try out one at a time to see if it’s useful to you. You could also create another vault just for experimenting with plugins before using them in your main vault, so you don’t accidentally mess up your notes.
Embrace the flexible and bottom-up approach of Obsidian and allow your note-taking system to evolve organically. Don’t force yourself to adhere to any strict organisation system. If something isn’t working for you, try something else!
Create templates for recurring note types (e.g. daily notes, project notes)
Don’t forget to back up your notes regularly!

Resources

Obsidian

Note-taking methodologies & frameworks

(Note-taking is one of my special interests, in case you couldn’t already tell!)

How I built a “Wikipedia” of my brain

Wed, 20 Mar 2024 21:30:55 +0800

I’m obsessed with taking notes on my phone and computer. It helps me keep my shit together. I’ve tried many note-taking apps over the years, and landed on the perfect app for my AuDHD brain: Obsidian.

Why I love Obsidian

Obsidian is made for bottom-up thinkers. You can link notes to each other, forming a non-linear and associative map of your mind’s labyrinth. Perfect for Autistic and ADHD brains!

This means you don’t have to plan out an organisation system for your notes. Obsidian allows you to dive right in and let your system evolve organically.

Graph of my notes. It’s like a whole universe! 😍

All your notes are saved on your device as plain text files. No proprietary formats here! This ensures that your notes will be accessible for years to come, regardless of what happens to the app itself.

There are also loads of free plugins and themes, allowing you to tailor the app to your specific needs and preferences.

The best part of all? The app is FREE for personal use and available for both desktop and mobile platforms!

Check out my Obsidian guide for Autistics & ADHDers to get started!

Types of notes I keep

Daily notes (for brain dumps)
Skincare & makeup routines
Information on my various special interests and hyperfixations
Notes from books I’ve read
Notes on my bass practice (techniques I need to work on, songs I want to learn, songs I’ve mastered…)
Body measurements (for reference when I’m buying clothes online)
Life troubleshooting guide (tips and strategies for when I’m feeling stuck/anxious/overwhelmed)
Compliment log
Bucket & wish lists
Useful links
…and much more!

Other note-taking apps

Not a fan of Obsidian? Here are some alternatives to explore:

Notenik (Mac only)
TiddlyWiki
Joplin
Notion
Microsoft OneNote
Bear (Apple only)

Before I found out I was Autistic, I was a punk

Thu, 14 Mar 2024 00:00:22 +0800

As an isolated and misfit teenager, I was naturally drawn to alternative subcultures like punk and goth. The music captured the alienation I felt and was a cathartic outlet for my angst. I often looked up to badass alternative musicians, who gave me the strength and resilience to always get back up after facing major setbacks in life.

Alternative music was pretty much the only thing I could relate to in this world, so it defined a huge part of my identity before I discovered I was Autistic.

The ethos of punk has also always deeply resonated with me. It wasn’t until later in life that I realised why. Here are a few ways in which I feel the punk ethos has parallels with Autistic traits and the Neurodivergent community…

(Disclaimer: Just so we’re clear, I’m not trying to say that all punks are Autistic/Neurodivergent or vice versa. I’m simply exploring the similarities between those two communities to explain why I personally felt so drawn to alternative subcultures as an Autistic person.)

Non-conformity

Punk is all about rejecting restrictive societal expectations, a trait that often naturally aligns with the Autistic experience. We thrive on authenticity.

Strong principles

Punk champions standing up for what you believe in, no matter the cost. This tenacity is something many Autistic individuals can relate to.

DIY ethic

The Do-It-Yourself ethic of punk, with its emphasis on creating your own culture rather than consuming what’s handed to you, mirrors the Autistic penchant for special interests and inventing creative strategies to navigate a world not designed for us.

Community for misfits

Punk created a sanctuary for those who felt misunderstood and rejected by mainstream society. Similarly, the neurodiversity movement provides a community for those of us whose brains operate differently. It’s a place where being a misfit is not just accepted, but celebrated.

Autistic As Fxxk is very much influenced by the rebellious ethos and aesthetics of punk culture. I was inspired by the creative DIY spirit of punk and riot grrrl zines from the 70s to 90s. Just like those zines, Autistic As Fxxk serves as a platform for unfiltered self-expression, challenging societal norms, and fostering community among Neurodivergents.

The more I understand my neurodivergence, the more my punk identity deepens. I now realise my attraction to alternative subcultures wasn’t solely about the music or the fashion—it was the beginning of my journey to discovering my authentic self!

Why the bass guitar appeals to my Autistic brain

Tue, 05 Mar 2024 21:35:10 +0800

Ever since I picked up a bass and plucked my very first note, I knew that this was THE instrument for me. Here are some reasons why.

Stimmy low-end frequencies

The deep, rumbling vibrations of the bass are stimmy AF. It’s like a massage for my brain!

Patterns everywhere

The strings and fretboard of a bass are typically tuned and laid out in a geometric pattern. Once you learn the shape of a scale, triad, arpeggio, chord or mode, you can play them anywhere on the fretboard! And once I understood them, I could pick out the scales, triads, etc. used in other songs, which is fun for my pattern-seeking brain and gives me another level of appreciation for my favourite songs.

Unwinding ritual

Practicing bass for at least 5 minutes at the end of each day is always the highlight of my day. Whether I’m learning a song or experimenting with a new technique, it’s my favourite way to unwind by losing myself in the rhythm.

“Why bass tho?”

Some people find it strange that I decided to learn bass because I have no plans to join a band and am purely playing for my own enjoyment. They’d say, “Why don’t you learn guitar or piano instead? Those make more sense as a solo instrument.” But the sounds of the guitar and piano just don’t scratch that itch in my brain like bass does. Playing bass is stimmy and soothing for me, and I enjoy the exercise it gives my brain and fingers. At this point, it’s more of a mental health tool than anything!

Wanna see me play?

Here’s a video from 2022. I had only been playing for 2 months at that point, so my technique here isn’t always clean and my timing is a little off. The song I’m playing is “Anne’s Song” by Faith No More!

ADHD life hacks I learnt from my mom

Tue, 13 Feb 2024 20:51:30 +0800

Here are some life hacks I learnt from a young age from my mom, who I highly suspect is an undiagnosed ADHDer:

She taught me to set all my clocks 5 minutes fast so that I’m less likely to be late.
Whenever she has something important to remember, she writes it down on her hand with a pen. (This was before smartphones existed.)
She drinks her coffee from a flask so that it doesn’t get cold. (She sometimes forgets about the coffee.)
My family has a whiteboard near our living room, where we write down all our appointments, important contact numbers and things we need to remember.

Have you learnt any life hacks from your neurodivergent family members?

My support needs in Singapore

Tue, 06 Feb 2024 21:00:00 +0800

I’ve been seeing many posts on Instagram on Autistic support needs, and it got me wondering if the culture/environment you live in could have an impact on your level of support needs.

I’ve always assumed that I have low support needs, even though I…

Live with my parents
Don’t drive
Am unable to speak “normally” (I’m semi-speaking and speak in a barely audible, whispering voice)

It’s super common for adults in Singapore to live with their parents if they’re unmarried. It’s a cultural norm in Asia, plus Singapore is a tiny country and housing is expensive AF. So I’ve always had help with household chores, cooking, errands and more.

I’ve never felt the need to learn to drive because public transportation here is super convenient and easy to navigate.

Since I live with my parents, my mom handles phone calls for me. She also usually accompanies me to medical appointments and speaks on my behalf. When I’m shopping or ordering food on my own, I can usually get away with pointing at what I want (or nodding/shaking my head) without having to speak much.

Since living with your parents as an adult is so normalised and socially acceptable here, the supports that I get from that situation don’t appear very obvious, as neurotypical adults who live with their parents have access to those supports too.

If I had lived in a country where I had to drive and live on my own, would I be considered to have medium support needs instead? While I wouldn’t know for sure since I’ve never learnt to drive or lived on my own, I think it’s probable that I would.

Because of my experiences, I can see some truth in the social model of disability. While I don’t think all the challenges of being disabled would be 100% erased in a perfectly accommodating society, your level of support needs, at the very least, may seem lower than they otherwise would.

Free online resources for Autistics

Sun, 21 Jan 2024 23:12:22 +0800

Here are some awesome free resources I found online that I think would be very useful to Autistics!

You feel like shit: An Interactive Self-Care Guide

A self-care guide in the form of a “choose your own adventure” game.

Goblin.tools

Collection of AI tools designed to help Neurodivergents tackle challenging and overwhelming tasks. Read my blog post about Goblin.tools.

Manual of Me

Self-advocacy tool for the workplace. Create a document that helps your colleagues understand how to work best with you.

Habitica

Gamified habit and productivity app. Turn your life into a video game!

Things I do differently when I’m low on spoons

Tue, 09 Jan 2024 20:31:07 +0800

There’s no shame in doing things a little differently when you don’t have the energy to do them like you usually do. Here are some things I do when I’m low on spoons:

I sit down while I shower.
I use disposable wet wipes instead of towels to clean stuff.
I eat food that is easy to prepare. (e.g. leftovers, frozen food, instant noodles)
I communicate through typing instead of talking.
One of my goals for 2024 is to practice bass guitar for at least 5 minutes daily. If I have days when I’m too tired to pick up my bass, I’ll just read or watch videos on bass and music theory.

How my special interest saved my life

Tue, 02 Jan 2024 21:12:00 +0800

Content Warning: mention of suicide

It’s just about being true to yourself and knowing what your limits are. And I knew that if I kept pushing, it could have been some sort of disastrous result. It was just like, “Goddamn it. Maybe I don’t need to do this. Even though I agreed to do it, and it’s gonna bum a lot of people out. I gotta take care of myself.”

Mike Patton

This quote from Mike Patton (my favourite musician and special interest) saved my life in 2022. I’m not exaggerating.

I was doing very well that year. So well, my psychiatrist thought that I could stop taking my antidepressants that I’ve been taking for over 10 years.

So I stopped. And for the first couple of weeks, things seemed perfectly fine. Then, I started experiencing insomnia, irritability and anxiety, and it got worse each week. I also started getting suicidal thoughts and suddenly couldn’t handle stress at all.

At first, I thought I should just push through it and continue living my life as if everything were fine. Because that was what I always did in the past (even though I’d always end up with Autistic burnout). And because I was embarrassed to take a break from work for mental health reasons, as mental health isn’t taken very seriously in my country, Singapore.

Then, I remembered what Mike Patton said in an interview. In the interview, he opened up about his mental health struggles during Covid, his agoraphobia diagnosis, and why he had to cancel several concerts with his bands Faith No More and Mr. Bungle.

His words gave me the strength to do what I needed to do for my mental health. ❤️

How to set goals for the new year (that you’ll actually achieve!)

Sun, 31 Dec 2023 00:40:36 +0800

Just wanted to share some practical and no-BS tips that have worked for me. The tips here are inspired by my strategies from “How I get shit done (or at least get started) while having executive functioning challenges”.

Find your why

Why is achieving this goal important to you? Write down your reasons (they don’t have to be grandiose, they can be as simple as “because it makes me feel good!”) and place them somewhere you can see every day or whenever you feel unmotivated.

Your reasons may change over time too, so be sure to update your list when they do.

Keep it simple

Don’t get too ambitious. Simplify your goal as much as possible so that you’re less likely to get overwhelmed.

For example, I plan to practice bass guitar for at least 5 minutes daily. If I can practice for more than 5 minutes on some days, that’s great! But if I can only do 5 minutes on other days, that’s perfectly fine too.

Half-ass it on bad days

Not every day will be a perfect day for you. Prepare a half-assed version of your goal for bad days. (Because half-assing is better than not making any progress at all!)

For example, if I have days when I’m too tired to pick up my bass, I’ll just read or watch videos on bass and music theory.

Hold yourself accountable

Keep a log (e.g. journal, calendar) to track the progress of your goal.

You could also tell your family/friends about your goal (or post about it online, like I’m doing right now) and ask them to check in on your progress every now and then.

Feel free to share your 2024 goals with me! Maybe we could form a little accountability group.

How I prepare before going to an unfamiliar place

Wed, 27 Dec 2023 00:02:00 +0800

Going to a new and unfamiliar place can be anxiety-inducing for Autistics. Here’s what I do to reduce that anxiety.

Directions

I use Google Maps to figure out how to get there.

Visuals

I search for YouTube videos of the place and watch them to familiarise myself with what the place looks like.

If there are no videos available, I search for images or use Street View in Google Maps.

Food

If I’m going to a restaurant/cafe, I search for the menu online and see what I can eat there.

If I find an interesting dish but am unsure of its ingredients, I google that dish.

Accommodations

I pack my bag with aids that I think I’ll need (e.g. ear plugs, sunglasses, stim toys).

Airing my grievances as an Autistic person

Tue, 19 Dec 2023 00:06:29 +0800

This is a raw post written while I was in the midst of a mini Autistic burnout. (Don’t worry, I’m feeling much better now!) While I’m proud to be Autistic and would never dream of curing it, there are undoubtedly things that I can’t change in my environment and circumstances, that make my life difficult because I’m Autistic. Sharing this because I thought that other people might relate to the sentiments expressed.

I resent living in a capitalist society that isn’t compatible with my brain. I could tell myself all day long that my self-worth isn’t based on my productivity, accomplishments, etc., but it doesn’t change the fact that I still need to survive in this society. I know it’s not my fault that I have great difficulty coping in this world, but I’m often made to feel that it is.

I resent that I can’t job-hop to increase my salary. I don’t do well with change. And there’s no guarantee that the next company I join will be as accepting and accommodating as my current company. (Not that I want to leave my current company, I just hate that I don’t have that mobility.)

I resent having to spend so much money and time on medications and therapies. I can’t afford to go on vacations like my friends do.

I resent being seen as undesirable because of my disability. When I was 7, my teacher told me that Prince Charming would throw up at the sight of me.

I resent being expected to be grateful for the crumbs people give me. If I ask for more, I risk being seen as difficult and too demanding, or being told that “beggars can’t be choosers”.

Book Review: “Meeting Myself in the Dark: Guided Shadow Work Journal for Neurodivergent Souls” by Alondra Rogers

Wed, 13 Dec 2023 00:01:18 +0800

Shadow work is the process of getting to know the hidden parts of yourself—thoughts, emotions, behaviours and parts of your personality that you’ve repressed because you were taught that they were undesirable or because of trauma. By bringing these hidden aspects to light, you get to understand yourself better and work towards self-acceptance.

“Meeting Myself in the Dark” is a guided shadow work journal with over 100 writing prompts specifically tailored for Neurodivergents, by a Neurodivergent author.

Here are some sample prompts:

Have you experienced poor treatment by people due to your neurodivergences who attempted to shame you? How have you responded to that? How do you feel now?

What cultural expectations most conflict with your neurodivergences? (ex. eye contact, small talk)

What is your experience of perceived rejection? Do you experience rejection as a threat? Do you think this is biology or a learned response?

Personally, this book has been much more helpful to me than all the therapies I’ve had.

Talk therapy isn’t ideal for me as a semi-speaking Autistic who finds talking exhausting. I tend to leave out details when talking to therapists, and my people-pleasing tendencies also come out, which means I would say whatever I think the therapist would like to hear instead of how I’m actually feeling.

I express myself much better through writing and taking the time to think before answering questions.

It’s also hard to find neurodiversity-affirming resources in my country as an Autistic adult so this book is a godsend to me.

If you’re similar to me in these aspects, this book is probably for you!

“Meeting Myself in the Dark: Guided Shadow Work Journal for Neurodivergent Souls” by Alondra Rogers is available on Amazon in Kindle, paperback and hardcover formats. (while this post isn’t sponsored, I earn a commission from the Amazon Associates program if you purchase from these links, at no additional cost to you).

If you can’t fix it, feature it

Mon, 11 Dec 2023 03:45:30 +0800

If you can’t fix it, feature it.

Came across this phrase and it made me think. Is it possible to reframe my “deficits” (or negative labels people have given me) as assets? (And not in an “autism is a superpower!” way, more like a “fuck you if you think I’m broken” way.)

Here’s what I came up with so far:

Sensitive → Perceptive, compassionate
Blunt → Honest, straightforward, doesn’t beat around the bush
Obsessive and restrictive interests → Deeply passionate, highly knowledgeable
Awkward → Authentic
Rigid → Consistent, principled
Quiet → Introspective/self-aware, thinks before speaking
Weird/Unusual → Unique, thinks outside the box

Of course, these are just how I would personally reframe them. You may use different words to reframe yours even if we share the same “deficits”.

What do you think? How would you reframe your “deficits” or negative labels?

How to feel miserable as an Autistic person

Tue, 28 Nov 2023 01:15:32 +0800

A little post inspired by Keri Smith’s “How to Feel Miserable as an Artist”. Unfortunately, not everything on this list can be avoided, especially if you’re multiply marginalised.

Believe that there’s something wrong with you.
Compare yourself to neurotypicals.
Have no access to resources and supports that you need. (Unfortunately a reality for many Autistics.)
Never indulge in or talk about your special interest.
Suppress all your stims. (Sadly, not everyone has the privilege to stim freely in public.)
Force yourself to endure sensory overload all the time.
Never connect with other Autistic folks.
Constantly seek validation from neurotypicals.

My secret weapon for hyperfocus

Tue, 07 Nov 2023 00:40:00 +0800

I have a Spotify playlist that I listen to whenever I really need to focus on a task. It’s a playlist of songs I find stimmy by my favourite artist, Mike Patton.

Check out the videos below to get an idea of some of the interesting sounds he makes with his voice! (You might want to lower your volume first!)

(WARNING: Video below has some flashing)

His music definitely isn’t for everyone! But I love it. His music sounds like the inside of my AuDHD brain. Listening to it clears my head and makes my brain happy (even though it probably sounds messy and chaotic to most people). I made a playlist of my favourite stimmy songs by him and it works wonders in getting me into a hyperfocus state!

I doubt my playlist would work the same for every Autistic/ADHD person. But maybe you have your own stimmy songs (or other stuff) that make your brain happy! You could try to find ways to incorporate them into your daily life like I did.

If you’re curious about my playlist, you can check it out here:

A little shop update

T-shirts are now available on my Etsy shop!

Get your t-shirts now!

My selective mutism diagnosis confused me

Sun, 08 Oct 2023 23:01:25 +0800

My mom always said that I began to sing long before I could talk. Not sure if she meant it literally or just quoting an ABBA song.

But I do remember singing a lot at a very young age. Music was my first love. I could effortlessly memorise lyrics and loved sharing trivia about bands and artists with my mom.

I stopped talking at the age of four.

To be more precise, I still talked to my parents and sister. But not to anyone else. Not even my grandparents who lived with us and took care of me while my parents were at work.

I was diagnosed with selective mutism. I guess that diagnosis made sense at the time.

At some point, I stopped speaking in a “normal” voice even with my parents and sister. Instead, I began to speak in a barely audible, whispery voice to everyone.

My mom suspected that there might be more to it than selective mutism. She wondered if I might be Autistic. When she brought up that possibility with the doctor who diagnosed me, he insisted that I couldn’t be Autistic and that I only had selective mutism.

And so, selective mutism was the only thing I had to explain my difference. And it led to a lot of misunderstanding.

Many people assumed that I spoke this way on purpose because it was “selective”. That all I needed was some discipline or scare tactics (people have said to me “What if you get assaulted or kidnapped? How are you going to scream for help?”) to make me talk normally.

It didn’t work, of course. People thought I was incredibly stubborn. Or “dumb” (people have actually called me that to my face).

I saw therapists to treat my selective mutism. But their strategies didn’t work for me.

When I read up on or watched documentaries about selective mutism, I found it hard to relate because there wasn’t any situation where I spoke normally.

At the age of 20, I was finally diagnosed with autism. It explained so much more than my selective mutism diagnosis ever did.

Now, I realise that the way I speak isn’t solely caused by anxiety. I have a sensory aversion to speaking at a “normal” volume. (It’s too loud for me! And the sound is coming from inside! I can’t cover my ears to block it out!) My brain sometimes struggles to put together words in my mouth. And it takes a lot of energy for me to speak — it’s not something that comes naturally to me.

I now find “semi-speaking” to be a more accurate descriptor of my communication style.

Lyrics I find relatable as an Autistic person

Sun, 01 Oct 2023 22:37:20 +0800

Oingo Boingo - “On the Outside”

This is where it all begins
On the outside, looking in
Looking in at you
I’m just an alien through and through
Tryin’ to make believe I’m you
Tryin’ to fit
Just a stranger on the outside, looking in

Talking Heads - “Psycho Killer”

You start a conversation, you can’t even finish it
You’re talking a lot, but you’re not saying anything
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed
Say something once, why say it again?

Faith No More - “Falling to Pieces”

Layin’ face down on the ground
My fingers in my ears to block the sound
My eyes shut tight to avoid the sight
Anticipatin’ the end, losin’ the will to fight

Depeche Mode - “Wrong”

There’s something wrong with me chemically
Something wrong with me inherently
The wrong mix in the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends by the wrong means
It was the wrong plan in the wrong hands
With the wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong eyes on the wrong prize
The wrong questions with the wrong replies

The Smiths - “How Soon Is Now?”

You shut your mouth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Playlist

Here’s a Spotify playlist of songs that I personally find relatable to Autistic experiences or that I feel have Autistic vibes. It’s mostly 80s new wave/post-punk and Mike Patton projects because that’s the kind of music I love!

My comfort media

Mon, 25 Sep 2023 23:30:00 +0800

Here’s a list of media I like to indulge in whenever I’m feeling shitty/low on spoons/etc. and that I can rely on to make me feel good and relaxed.

Music

Anything by Mike Patton (Mr. Bungle, Faith No More, Fantômas, Mondo Cane, Peeping Tom…)

Easiest way to put me in a good mood! His music is one of my biggest special interests.

Games

The Sims
Minecraft
Chrono Trigger
Rollercoaster Tycoon

Movies

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Back to the Future

(Guess I have a thing for time travel…)

Shows

The Golden Girls

Dorothy is my favourite character!

The Addams Family

The Addams family is neurodivergent AF.

YouTube Channel

LGR

Cool geeky videos about video games and retro computer stuff!

Book

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

I love the 1981 TV series too!

What about you?

What’s your comfort media (or comfort food, objects, places, etc.)? I’d recommend listing them somewhere you can easily refer to (like a note-taking app on your phone) so you can look them up whenever you need!

A little shop update

I recently added stickers to my Etsy shop!

Get your stickers now!

Manifesto poster now available for purchase! (FREE worldwide shipping!)

Wed, 30 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0800

Super excited to announce that my Autistic As Fxxk manifesto is now available for purchase as a poster with FREE worldwide shipping! ✈️

Can’t afford the poster? No worries, you can download the PDF and print it out yourself! I’ll always offer that option for free.

Buying the poster is a way to support the work I do on this website, so that I continue creating more free content and resources for Autistic folks (without polluting the website with ugly ads)!

If posters aren’t really your thing, more merch (stickers, notebooks, t-shirts, etc.) will be coming to my Etsy shop in the future! So watch that space. 😉

Get your poster now!

How to make people understand you better

Wed, 23 Aug 2023 00:00:01 +0800

Spoiler Alert: You can’t.

At least not to people who are committed to misunderstanding you. (e.g. internet trolls, people who can’t comprehend that not everyone experiences life the same way they do…)

Growing up, I used to think “If only I knew how to explain myself clearly. Then people would finally understand me!”

Sadly, I learnt that sometimes it doesn’t matter how eloquent you are or how carefully you choose your words. Assholes acting in bad faith will twist your words to fit their preconceived view of you.

It has nothing to do with you. These assholes just want to feel that they are “better” than you. If you think about it, it only shows how insecure they are that they feel the need to put other people down.

I know how much it hurts to be misunderstood as an Autistic person. It’s hella frustrating.

The only solution I found is to save your energy from explaining yourself to bad-faith assholes (If they’re online, block them. If you know them IRL, try to limit your interactions with them.) and spend more time with people who understand or are open to hearing your perspective.

Remember: You deserve to take up space in this world, no matter how many people misunderstand you.

How I experience periods as an Autistic person

Tue, 15 Aug 2023 23:00:00 +0800

Content warning: Mention of suicide

It’s currently That Time of the Month for me and I don’t have the spoons to write a proper post. So here are bullet points on how I experience periods as an Autistic person.

One week before period:

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)
- Suicidal thoughts (I’m currently managing it by taking antidepressants 2 weeks before my period starts)
- More irritable; I tend to take things (that usually don’t bother me) more personally

During period:

Painful cramps
Lightheadedness, headache & nausea
Much more sensitive to sensory stimuli, thus more prone to sensory overload
Sensory discomfort from dealing with period blood
Executive functioning challenges get amplified; I find it difficult to do everyday tasks that I usually have no problem with (e.g. going to the toilet, taking a shower, getting myself to eat)
Brain fog

The worst part of it all is the pressure to act as if you can still function as per normal on your period, because many people don’t understand the complexities of navigating periods as an Autistic person and may think you’re just “making excuses” for something that half the population goes through. 🙃

How I cope:

Get as much rest as possible
Take fetus steps
Eat my favourite/safe food
Indulge in my special interests

How my workplace accommodates my Autistic & ADHD needs

Sat, 05 Aug 2023 19:30:00 +0800

I work as a graphic designer and am very fortunate to work for a company that has always been accepting and understanding of me. Here are some ways my workplace accommodates my Autistic and ADHD needs:

They sat down and discussed with me what accommodations I needed.
They help me manage my workload and try not to give me projects with tight deadlines.
When briefing me on new projects, they try to give me as much context and details as possible.
They let me walk around the office, listen to music, play with stim toys, and look at my phone while working. They also explained to my colleagues that I’m not slacking off when I do these things and that they actually help me focus better.
During video calls, they’re cool with me typing out what I want to say instead of speaking.
They allow me to work from home when I’m not feeling well or having period-related issues (e.g. PMDD, severe cramps).
If I face any issue at work, they listen to my feedback and help me work out the issue.

Besides these accommodations, I’m also lucky to have warm and kind colleagues who always make me feel included. Many of them also know about my website and are very supportive of it!

Before I joined this company, my experiences with working were terrible. Shortly after I graduated, I joined a job training programme for Autistic people. When I told them I wanted to be a graphic designer, they told me to forget about that dream (they weren’t the only ones; growing up, several people told me that I wouldn’t be able to work as a graphic designer because of my disabilities). I also had to put up with lots of ableist and infantilising BS in the programme. They placed me in an office clerk job and I was miserable for the two years I worked there (you can read more about that harrowing experience here).

I never thought I’d be able to find an environment as accepting as my current workplace. Especially in Singapore, where neurodivergence is still so greatly misunderstood. In fact, work is the one place where I can be (and be seen as) my most authentic and unmasked self. I’ve never experienced that before in my life.

Very thankful to my company for everything they’ve given me: acceptance, support, and great friends who love me as I am. 🥹

How I get shit done (or at least get started) while having executive functioning challenges

Sun, 30 Jul 2023 19:45:00 +0800

Here are 5 quick hacks I use when I really need to get shit done but my executive functioning is like “lol, nah.” They don’t work 100% of the time, but they at least help me get started on tasks.

1. Get information first

If the thought of doing a particular task fills me with anxiety or I have no idea where to start, the very first thing I do is get as much information as I can about that task. I don’t even think about taking any action yet.

Let’s say I need to reply to an email. I start by reading the email I’m supposed to reply to. If there’s any more information I need to be able to answer that email, I go and get that information. I then dump all the information I have into an email draft for easy reference, and write my email from there.

2. Mise en place

Mise en place is a culinary practice and French phrase meaning “put in place”. It refers to chefs gathering and prepping all the tools and ingredients they need before they start cooking.

It’s a practice that can be easily applied outside the kitchen. In my case, that means I prep my workspace and make sure I have all the tools I need near me, so that I can execute my task without any interruptions.

Let’s say I’m working on a graphic design project. I prep my workspace by turning on my computer, opening Adobe Illustrator, and creating a new document. I also make sure I have all the resources I need (fonts, colour palette, assets, references, etc.) on screen.

3. Fetus steps

Think “baby steps”, but much smaller steps.

Let’s say I want to practice bass guitar. I tell myself that I only need to practice for 5 minutes. More often than not, I end up practicing much longer. If I had told myself to practice for an hour instead, I probably would never get started!

Sometimes, I need to start even smaller. I tell myself that all I need to do is take my bass guitar out of its case. That’s it.

Once I’ve done that, it usually motivates me to carry on. But if it doesn’t, I don’t beat myself up about it. I try to take another fetus step, or continue at another time.

4. Do the fun/easy parts first

If it’s possible to do a task in a non-linear way, start with the fun/easy parts and gradually progress to the not-so-fun/harder parts.

Let’s say a client gets back to me on a graphic design project with a list of revisions to make to the design. I first read through the whole list, then start with the revision that I find the most fun/easiest to work on. Once I’m done with that revision, I move on to the next easiest/fun revision. And so on.

5. Half-ass it

If all else fails, just half-ass your task.

Put in as minimal effort as you can get away with just to get that task done. Sometimes that’s better than not getting it done at all!

Conclusion

It’s okay if these quick hacks don’t work for you. Everyone is different and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for things like this. Keep trying out different things until you find something that works for you!

Have any executive functioning life hacks that you’d like to share? Feel free to share them with me via email or webmention!

6 ways to be unapologetically Autistic

Tue, 18 Jul 2023 18:30:00 +0800

Here are some tips that have helped me live a more unapologetically Autistic life.

As with any advice, I can only speak from my own experience and not everything I say here may work for you. So use whatever works and adjust or disregard whatever doesn’t to make these tips fit your needs!

1. Get comfortable with disappointing people.

I know, I know, this is tough AF if you’re a chronic people-pleaser. (I was one too!) But it’s important, because it’s impossible to please everybody when you’re being your authentic self.

It takes practice to get comfortable with letting people down. So take your time with this.

It’s vital we learn to navigate interactions marked by conflict, and practice standing firm in the face of negative reactions from others. As long as we haven’t abused anyone or violated their rights, it’s okay for our actions to make others unhappy. Devon Price, Unmasking Autism

2. Honour your limits.

You don’t have to constantly push yourself to meet neurotypical standards. That’s just a recipe for burnout.

It’s okay to ask for help when you need it. No matter what others may say, you’re not “lazy” or “weak” just because you find it difficult to do something that is easy for most people.

3. Find accommodations that work for you.

Experiment with different sensory aids (e.g. ear plugs, noise-cancelling headphones, sunglasses), stim toys, etc. and see what works for you.

4. Develop your personal style.

This is the fun part!

Explore your interests, experiment with different things (be it your fashion style, hobbies, activities, etc.), and see what brings you the most joy.

If you’re a visual thinker, you could also create a mood board (you can use Pinterest) of things that inspire you!

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. Ralph Waldo Emerson

5. Build up your self-worth and learn not to rely on external validation.

This takes time (perhaps even years) to cultivate, so be patient.

A few suggestions on how to build up your self-worth:

Figure out what makes you, you. (The previous tip, “Develop your personal style”, is a great starting point for this!)
Identify your personal values. (Google “personal values” for examples or go to personalvalu.es to take a free test.)
Discover your personal strengths. (Google “personal strengths” for examples or go to HIGH5 Strengths Test to take a free test.)

6. Define for yourself what a fulfilling life looks like to you.

From my experience, I find that to thrive as an Autistic person, you have to forge your own path and define for yourself what a fulfilling life means to you, instead of following everyone else.

Ask yourself: What’s the one thing that drives you and makes your life worth living? (For me, it’s discovering/learning cool shit and making cool shit.) Take your time to think about this. Once you’ve figured it out, use that as a guide.

It is better to follow your own path, however imperfectly, than to follow someone else’s perfectly. Bhagavad-Gita

Recap

Get comfortable with disappointing people.
Honour your limits.
Find accommodations that work for you.
Develop your personal style.
Build up your self-worth and learn not to rely on external validation.
Define for yourself what a fulfilling life looks like to you.

Hope you find these tips helpful! If you have any other tips on living an unapologetically Autistic life that I didn’t mention, feel free to share them with me via email or webmention!

Is masking or unmasking a privilege?

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 22:05:00 +0800

While I’m technically an Autistic person with low support needs, it’s impossible for me to completely pass as neurotypical or non-disabled.

I have a speech impediment. Sometimes I need my mom or a friend to speak on my behalf (on phone calls, at medical appointments, etc.).

People tend to make assumptions about me solely based on the way I speak. They see me as “low-functioning”. They infantilise me. They underestimate my capabilities. They ask my parents to make decisions for me. I’ve had job opportunities denied to me.

Because of this, I could never fully relate to many low support needs Autistics I see online. I can empathise with higher support needs Autistics and the discrimination they face, even if I may not technically be one of them.

To me, the ability to mask is a privilege. Because masking gives you access to opportunities (jobs, dating, etc.) you otherwise wouldn’t get if you’re unable to mask.

But I understand that unmasking can also be a privilege. Because unmasking requires a level of safety and security that many multiply marginalised individuals don’t have, especially if they’re BIPOC.

Ultimately, we need to work towards a world where competence is always presumed and no one is held to neuronormative and other oppressive standards, so that nobody feels the need to mask.

AI tools for ADHDers & Autistics: Goblin.tools

Tue, 06 Jun 2023 22:05:00 +0800

Goblin.tools is a collection of AI-powered tools designed to help Neurodivergents tackle challenging and overwhelming tasks. The best part? It’s free! Read on for an overview of all the tools!

Magic ToDo

This tool helps you break down a big task into smaller tasks.

Formalizer

This tool rephrases your words into a different tone/style. (e.g. more formal, more informal, less emotional, more passionate)

The Judge

This tool analyses your text and tells you how it might come across in terms of emotional tone.

Estimator

This tool estimates how long it might take to do a particular activity.

Compiler

Brain dump all your thoughts into this tool and it’ll try to turn your text into a list of tasks.

The Chef

List down all the ingredients you have and this tool will suggest a dish you can make.

The tools are pretty amazing! However, do keep in mind that the AI models used are general-purpose and the results they give may not always be accurate. Use your own judgment to decide if the results you get from the tools work for you!

Mobile apps of these tools are also available at a low price, to help cover the cost of running and maintaining the website.

Try Goblin.tools now for free!

Growing up Autistic in Singapore

Wed, 24 May 2023 21:35:23 +0800

Singapore is a very competitive environment to grow up in. From a young age (and for the rest of your life), you’re constantly compared to your peers, mostly in terms of school grades (career and wealth if you’re an adult).

There’s also huge pressure to follow a particular roadmap in your life:

Get good grades in school
Go to a good university
Get a sensible job (i.e. no career in the arts)
Find a (heterosexual) partner
Get married so you can buy subsidised public housing
Start a family

If you can’t keep up, you’re seen as a “problem”. The onus is on you to “fix” yourself, because “you can’t expect the world to accommodate to you.” (I was often told this as a child.)

And if you can’t “fix” yourself, you’re seen as “lazy” and “undeserving of good things”.

As you can imagine, this isn’t the best environment for an Autistic person to grow up in. I was plagued with low self-esteem for most of my life because I was always falling behind.

Because of this and my experiences at convent school, I was convinced that I was The Worst Person to Ever Exist.

It took me a long time to realise I was raised in an environment that simply wasn’t built to include people like me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t succeed because the system was rigged against me from the start.

The only way I could thrive was by forging my own unconventional path in life. And finding supportive people who are unconventional like me and understand me. And learning not to care about what others think of me.

Singapore still has a very, very long way to go in accepting individuals who don’t fit the norm. I hope that by sharing my experiences, I can make a bit of difference. Or at least help others like me feel less alone.

How I deal with impostor syndrome and rejection sensitivity

Mon, 22 May 2023 21:32:50 +0800

(Full disclosure: I stole this idea from the bullet journal community.)

I keep a log of compliments I’ve received in a note-taking app on my phone. It could be paraphrased quotes of things people have said to me, or screenshots of emails and messages. I also note down the dates I received those compliments.

I don’t just write down every single compliment I’ve received. I only record compliments that make me feel good about myself (e.g. compliments on a project I’m proud of, compliments on an outfit I love wearing).

I take a look at my compliment log whenever I’m experiencing impostor syndrome or rejection sensitivity. It serves as tangible evidence that I’m not a complete failure in life, even if I feel like one at the moment.

It’s super easy for me to remember all the negative comments I’ve received and embarrassing shit I’ve done. My compliment log is a tool for me to remember more of the good stuff.

How to start a compliment log

If you think that this might probably work for you, try starting a compliment log today! Use whatever format you like, be it a physical notebook or your favourite note-taking app.

If you can’t think of any compliments to write for now, start by writing down things you’ve done that you’re personally proud of. It doesn’t matter if it’s a “big” thing (like completing a big project) or a “small” thing (like remembering to brush your teeth). All that matters is that you’re proud of yourself for doing it.

You could also write down qualities you have that you’re proud of (e.g. honesty, creativity, non-judgmental).

After that, whenever you receive a compliment (that makes you feel good about yourself), remember to record it in your compliment log! And remember to take a look at your log whenever you’re experiencing impostor syndrome or rejection sensitivity.

It’s okay if this “life hack” doesn’t work for you. Everyone is different and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for things like this. Keep trying out different things until you find something that works for you!

Neuronormative bullshit I’ve had to unlearn

Fri, 19 May 2023 01:43:33 +0800

Bullshit #1

I should pretend that everything is fine when I’m overstimulated.

Bullshit #2

I should suppress my stims so that people won’t be weirded out by me.

Bullshit #3

I should force myself to make eye contact with people I’m speaking to.

Bullshit #4

I should tough it out and not ask for accommodations.

Bullshit #5

I should put in 110% effort all the time to avoid being seen as “incompetent”.

Bullshit #6

I should have an exceptional talent at something so that people will see me as “worthy”.

Bullshit #7

My life won’t truly begin until I learn to appear completely neurotypical.

Advice I would give to my younger self

Mon, 15 May 2023 01:39:00 +0800

You are not broken. Society is.

Your experiences and feelings are valid. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you’re overreacting or being too sensitive.

You are capable of making your own decisions. Other people don’t necessarily know what’s best for you.

You deserve to be heard and respected. Don’t feel bad for speaking up for yourself and your needs.

It’s okay to ask for help. You don’t have to do everything on your own. No one is truly 100% independent. We all need help sometimes.

You don’t have to push yourself to meet neurotypical standards. It’s fine to go at your own pace.

You don’t have to prove your worth through your accomplishments, intelligence, productivity, and usefulness to society. You are already worthy, even if others don’t see it.

You don’t have to be “normal” to be happy. As long as you’re not hurting anybody, let your freak flag fly!

You will find your people. I promise, there are people out there who will accept and love you the way you are!

Why I take pride in being Autistic

Fri, 12 May 2023 01:34:57 +0800

Two simple reasons:

Because I can’t change the fact that I’m Autistic. Might as well embrace it and work with it.
To challenge the belief that autism should be something to be ashamed of and hidden at all costs.

To be clear, just because I take pride in being Autistic, doesn’t mean that I see autism as a “superpower” or “gift”.

Autism is a disability that can come with many challenges. I don’t want to downplay that.

But that doesn’t mean it’s a “wrong” way of being.

My pride is mostly a reaction against negative preconceived notions about autism and Autistic people.

Also, according to Devon Price’s “Unmasking Autism”, proudly owning your disability has its benefits:

coming out proudly about one’s disability and presenting it as a valuable part of one’s identity helped reduce self-stigma’s impact…

In general, most research does show that proudly owning one’s disability can have a big impact on how people feel—and it can change the attitudes of the neurotypical people around us.

Devon Price, Unmasking Autism

Growing up Autistic in a convent school

Thu, 11 May 2023 00:37:36 +0800

Content Warning: religious trauma, ableism, child emotional abuse

“God doesn’t bless you.”

“You must have done something bad, that’s why God punished you (with this disability).”

“Prince charming wouldn’t want you.”

These are just some things teachers have said to me when I was a child.

I was diagnosed with selective mutism as a child. I didn’t speak in school. People thought I was “dumb”. Or that I didn’t speak just to get attention. (When really, I was trying to avoid attention.)

During recess every day, my teacher would send me to the chapel to pray for healing. She gave me a prayer printed on a laminated card and told me to kneel down and pray to the Virgin Mary statue.

I wasn’t catholic. (My family were protestant christians.) But she didn’t care.

I did everything I could to be “good” so that God would heal me. I tried so hard to be a “good christian girl”. But I still wasn’t healed. I thought that meant I was an inherently bad person.

I became an atheist when I was older. But it still took me many years after that to get over the belief that I was “inherently bad”. Religious trauma runs deep.

Autistic As Fxxk manifesto

Sun, 07 May 2023 13:33:58 +0800

I will live life on my own terms, not according to societal expectations.
I will not settle for less just because I’m Autistic.
I demand to be presumed competent.
I will question and reject ableist beliefs and attitudes.
My worth does not depend on:
- How well I mask.
- How independent I am.
- How gifted or intelligent I am.
- How productive I am.
- How useful I am to society.
- How inspirational I am to neurotypicals.
I will honour my limits.
I will not apologise for needing accommodations.
I will not force myself to do anything that makes me uncomfortable, even if it seems rude to others.
I will not sacrifice my well-being just to make others comfortable.
I will love and accept myself exactly the way I am.

I wrote this manifesto in 2016, after quitting a job I was placed in by a job training programme from an autism organisation.

A family friend suggested to my parents that I should join this programme because he didn’t think I had the appropriate social skills for the working world. So I joined shortly after I graduated.

When I told the people from the programme that I wanted to be a graphic designer, they told me to forget about that dream (they weren’t the only ones; growing up, several people told me that I wouldn’t be able to work as a graphic designer because of my disabilities).

The programme placed me in an office clerk job (it was either that or a cleaning job) and I was miserable for the two years I worked there.

There were job coaches from the programme watching us all day, and if we did anything “inappropriate” or “weird”, they would have a talk with us.

It was a stifling environment. I felt like I couldn’t relax and had to be on my best behaviour at all times.

I also had to put up with lots of ableist and infantilising BS in the programme. (They’d talk to me as if I were a child, they’d ask my parents to make decisions for me…)

It took a toll and I eventually had Autistic burnout.

My self-esteem was fucked after I quit. So I started writing this manifesto to articulate what I was no longer willing to accept, and to remind myself of my inherent self-worth.

It took a long time, but things got better. I got lucky and found a job (as a graphic designer!) where people accept me in all my quirky glory.

I’m now sharing this manifesto for anyone who needs it. I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me!

Or you could try writing your own manifesto! Feel free to steal whatever you like from my manifesto and add your own points. 📜🖋️

Free printable PDFs of this manifesto are also available:

Download printable PDFs

Posters are also available for purchase! (FREE worldwide shipping! ✈️)

Get your poster now!

Autistic As Fxxk

What’s In and Out for me in 2026

Why I struggle to trust myself

My focus for 2026: community building

Why I started the server

My vision

Selective mutism? Situational mutism? No. I am a virtual mute.

Do I actually have selective mutism?

The Medium Support Needs Confirmation

The Intelligence Gap

The Community Question

Moving Forward

How systemic inequities lead to internalised ableism

Primary school

Therapy

Secondary school

Polytechnic

Job training programme

My privileges

Impostor syndrome as a semi-speaking advocate

Coming to terms with having medium support needs

Special interest infodump: a history of my celebrity crushes

Timeline

1. Jordan Knight / Michael J. Fox [Age ~7]

Jordan Knight

Michael J. Fox

2. Tobey Maguire [Age 10]

3. Clay Aiken [Age 11]

4. Kurt Cobain (Nirvana) [Age 13]

5. Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers) [Age 14]

6. Hyde (L’Arc-en-Ciel) [Age 15]

7. Thom Yorke (Radiohead) [Age 17]

8. Michael J. Fox [Age 21]

9. Charlie Cox [Age 23]

10. Jordan Knight (New Kids on the Block) [Age 25]

11. George Michael [Age 27]

12. Martin Gore (Depeche Mode) [Age 28]

13. Pedro Pascal [Age 29]

14. Danny Elfman (Oingo Boingo) [Age 29]

15. Mike Patton (Mr. Bungle, Faith No More, and too many other bands to list here) [Age 31]

16. Zack de la Rocha (Rage Against the Machine) [Age 32]

Patterns

Exploring my inner world through The Sims

What I would like to see in a job training programme for Autistic people

Core philosophy: empowerment, not charity

Identifying suitable career paths

Workplace preparation

Navigating workplace dynamics and politics

Self-advocacy

Self-care

Peer and community support

Educating employers

Educating society

Learning to scream like my rock idols

My horrible experience with a job training programme for Autistic people in Singapore

How it started

Soft skills training

Two years of surveillance and infantilisation

Performing “inspiration porn”

My body said “no”

Aftermath

I’m not the only one

From ChatGPT to finding my community

Other posts on AI and accessibility I recommend reading

Victor Perez and Ryan Gainer should still be here.

How my selective mutism is connected to childhood trauma (part 2)

How my selective mutism is connected to childhood trauma

How I feel about Chinese New Year as an Autistic person

My 2024 reflections

Finally found a role model

Made a lot of progress in self-discovery and personal growth

Learnt that taking breaks is part of the healing journey

Connected with more Singaporean Autistics

(Some of) my goals for 2025

It’s not your fault: a letter to myself

How Rage Against the Machine changed my life

How I’m neuroqueering my life

Unlearning neuronormative bullshit

Connecting with neurokin

Inventing strategies that work for me