In a previous post about the connection between my selective mutism and childhood trauma, I wrote:

I used to love singing at a very young age. My mom always claims I began to sing long before I could talk; not sure if she meant it literally or just quoting an ABBA song! After becoming selectively mute, I desperately wanted a role model; someone who could guide me, make me feel less alone, and remind me that I wasn’t less than human. I think this explains why so many of my special interests have centred around male celebrities, particularly singers. I was unconsciously searching for a safe male figure who could inspire me to find my voice again.

It was a consistent recurring pattern throughout my life: I would go through phases of becoming completely obsessed with a particular male celebrity. And then after a period of time—around a year or so—I would find a new celebrity to obsess over.

My friends and family found this pattern amusing and sometimes teased me for being so “boy-crazy.” While my friends had celebrity crushes too, theirs were never as intense or all-consuming as mine.

Sometimes I’d feel embarrassed for having such a stereotypically girly, “shallow” special interest and wonder, “Is this an unhealthy obsession I should work on overcoming?” “Am I being a bad feminist by idolising men so much?”

To be clear, I’ve never stalked my celebrity crushes (most of my crushes are from the other side of the world), constantly tried to interact with them on social media (I only did it once and that felt like enough), or anything like that. My fangirling has always been done at a safe distance.

And I think keeping a distance was the point of this special interest. For years, I had a deep fear and distrust of men because I witnessed my grandfather abusing my grandmother when I was growing up (I believe this was the cause of my selective mutism). I felt safe having celebrity crushes—as opposed to being in a real relationship—because they couldn’t hurt me the way my grandfather had.

I eventually realised, through reading Carl Jung, that these crushes were a form of self-exploration (not unlike how I play The Sims!); a safe space to explore masculinity and relationships without the risk of real-world harm. I learnt I was projecting my Animus (the masculine side of the psyche) onto these crushes—each crush represented different aspects of masculinity I was trying to understand and integrate.

I thought it’d be interesting to look back at my history of celebrity crushes and see what patterns emerge. Here’s a non-exhaustive list in rough chronological order:

Timeline

Note: The following timeline reflects my personal perceptions, feelings, and psychological projections about these celebrities at specific points in my life. It’s a retrospective analysis of my inner world rather than definitive assessments of their characters. My views on some of these figures may be different today, but this timeline is an honest reflection of what they meant to me at the time.

1. Jordan Knight / Michael J. Fox [Age ~7]

These were the very first celebrity crushes I remember having, although I can’t remember who came first.

Jordan Knight

He dropped a solo album in the late 90s (remember the song “Give It to You”?) and I often saw him on MTV. I think I was attracted to his soft, boyish speaking voice. I didn’t realise he was originally from New Kids on the Block until much later.

Michael J. Fox

Back to the Future often played on TV and I developed a crush on him from there. Like Jordan, I was also attracted to his boyish voice.

2. Tobey Maguire [Age 10]

I loved him as Spider-Man and related a lot to his portrayal of Peter Parker as an awkward dork. He also has that same boyish, soft-spoken quality that seems to be my pattern.

3. Clay Aiken [Age 11]

For those who don’t know, he was the runner-up of American Idol season 2. He seemed like a safe and harmless guy, and in hindsight, I only really liked him because my mom seemed to like him for being a “good Christian boy.” At that time, given my religious upbringing, I was desperately trying to be a “good Christian girl” because people told me god would “heal” my selective mutism that way. I threw myself into this obsession as a way to signal my “good Christian girl”-ness and seek approval. I found it pretty funny when he came out as gay years later!

4. Kurt Cobain (Nirvana) [Age 13]

I loved how feminist he was and how openly he talked about his struggles. I was one of those Nirvana fans with a romanticised view of him being a “tortured soul.” I thought his wife Courtney Love ruined his life and I totally believed the whole “Courtney killed Kurt” conspiracy theory.

Later on, I started checking out Hole (Courtney Love’s band) and learning more about Courtney. I was surprised to find myself absolutely loving her music and soon realised the conspiracy theory was just misogynistic BS.

I became a much bigger fan of Courtney than Kurt after that. I was endlessly fascinated by her for some inexplicable reason and found her oddly relatable, even though on the surface we seem like complete opposites. Many years later, I found out she didn’t speak at an early age and was diagnosed as a probable Autistic! Courtney Love is probably the only female celebrity I’ve stanned with the same intensity of my male crushes, although I wouldn’t say I had a crush on her.

5. Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers) [Age 14]

I had a friend who teased me for liking short, skinny, and “unmanly” guys. I was into Red Hot Chili Peppers’ music at the time, so I tried to force myself into an obsession with Anthony Kiedis because he had a conventionally masculine image, just to get my friend’s approval. But deep down in my heart, I didn’t really like Anthony as a person. Much later on, I realised he was a problematic and creepy dude. He’s my least favourite celebrity crush by far.

6. Hyde (L’Arc-en-Ciel) [Age 15]

I had a bit of a j-rock (Japanese rock) phase in my teens. Hyde is a Japanese rockstar from the band L’Arc-en-Ciel. I’d say he was one of my biggest and longest-lasting crushes. I love his androgynous look, beautiful voice, and poetic lyrics. Revisiting his music every now and then brings back the few good memories of my teen years.

He actually inspired me to study graphic design! He has mentioned in interviews that he originally wanted to be a graphic designer. But because of his colourblindness, he wasn’t accepted into art school, so he turned to music instead. Something about his story inspired me to pursue my dream of becoming a graphic designer.

7. Thom Yorke (Radiohead) [Age 17]

The album OK Computer changed my life when I was 15, but I didn’t check out the rest of Radiohead’s discography until I was 17 and regretted not doing so earlier. The way Thom channeled anxiety and alienation into his music resonated with me on a deep level.

8. Michael J. Fox [Age 21]

Back to the Future became my special interest in my early twenties and I started fangirling over Michael J. Fox again. I loved him in Family Ties too. I also saw him as a Disabled role model because of his experiences with Parkinson’s and advocacy.

9. Charlie Cox [Age 23]

I love him as Daredevil and he seems like a genuinely nice and humble guy. His portrayal of a character who fights for justice while being Disabled resonated deeply with me.

10. Jordan Knight (New Kids on the Block) [Age 25]

I liked him again when I began having a strange fascination with New Kids on the Block and realised he was the guy I liked when I was 7.

11. George Michael [Age 27]

He seemed like a genuinely good and decent human being with strong principles—qualities I always admire and respect. The stories of his generosity that came out after his death were deeply touching.

12. Martin Gore (Depeche Mode) [Age 28]

My favourite Depeche Mode songs are the ones where he sings lead (“Home,” “One Caress,” “A Question of Lust”). I love his androgynous presentation and vulnerability in his lyrics.

13. Pedro Pascal [Age 29]

I love his goofy and wholesome personality, as well as his roles as protective father figures in The Mandalorian and The Last of Us.

14. Danny Elfman (Oingo Boingo) [Age 29]

He was my favourite film score composer as a kid (discovered him from Spider-Man). Many years later, I found out he used to sing in an 80s new wave band (Oingo Boingo), which I thought was so cool. He also mentioned in an interview that he believes he’s Autistic. That interview meant a lot to me, and I thought I had finally found my role model.

My heart broke when sexual misconduct allegations came out against him in 2023. It felt like the world was ending for me. I think I was so triggered because the allegations of him hurting women may have subconsciously reminded me of my grandfather.

I lost all hope and thought it was impossible to find the role model I really wanted. I tried to stop forming such intense parasocial relationships after that. But without understanding the root cause behind this special interest, it felt impossible.

15. Mike Patton (Mr. Bungle, Faith No More, and too many other bands to list here) [Age 31]

I love his eccentricity, and how creative and experimental he is with his voice and different genres. His willingness to push boundaries and explore the full range of vocal expression really inspires me in my journey of finding my voice. I also find his feud with Anthony Kiedis hilarious!

I still love him very much! He’s my second favourite after Zack de la Rocha.

16. Zack de la Rocha (Rage Against the Machine) [Age 32]

Even though I first got into Rage Against the Machine when I was 13, I wasn’t attracted to him back then because I thought he must be so different from me. I was still trying hard to be a “good Christian girl” and thought he must be a “bad boy” because he swore so much in his music. I also used to find his stage presence intimidating (even though I understood his anger was righteous) and thought I wasn’t smart enough to be a “real” RATM fan.

I rediscovered RATM when I was 32 and was shook when I watched an interview of him and realised he has a gentle, soft-spoken speaking voice—something I never would’ve guessed from the way he screamed in his music! I read many anecdotes online from people who met him or know him personally, going on about what a kind, generous, and humble man he is. I also learnt that he often looks out for his female audience’s safety at his concerts. Then, I found an interview where he described himself as a “virtual mute” when he was young—it fucking blew my mind! The more I read up about him, the more I found out we had in common, including similar childhood traumas.

I never thought I’d find someone who’s so much like me, shares similar values as me, and whose music I’ve loved for so many years. When I rediscovered Zack, it felt like everything clicked into place. I could sense a shift in my personality: I started to feel much more confident in myself and unafraid to go out into the world to try new things. He even inspired me to take up singing lessons! This made me realise he’s the role model I’ve been searching for all these years.

Patterns

When I step back and look at this timeline, some interesting patterns emerge:

• Unconventional masculinity: Many of my crushes share gentle, boyish, or soft-spoken speaking voices, often with androgynous qualities. They’re not afraid to express emotions and vulnerability. This stood in complete contrast to my grandfather’s toxic masculinity.
• Possibly Neurodivergent: I have a feeling that many of my crushes are possibly Neurodivergent (and some of them have confirmed it, like Kurt Cobain and Danny Elfman). I think I was drawn to them because when I was young, they were the closest thing I had to finding a “community” of “my people.” I felt like they were the only ones who got me, and their existence gave me hope that there was a place in the world for me.
• Ethics and principles: I’m consistently drawn to celebrities/characters with strong principles (Daredevil, George Michael, Pedro Pascal, Zack de la Rocha). When those ethics are betrayed (as with Danny Elfman), the disappointment felt devastating.

For a long time, I used to think I was just a silly girl caught up in pathetic parasocial relationships with famous men. But now that I understand the psychological function this special interest served, I no longer shame myself for it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying parasocial relationships can’t ever be problematic. But looking back, I can see this was a necessary coping mechanism, especially when the therapists I saw weren’t addressing the root cause of my issues. It was a way for me to process my trauma from a distance. As I mentioned, I never stalked or tried to form real-life connections with these celebrities; I’ve always kept it within safe boundaries. Understanding this allows me to look back without judgment.

My pattern of celebrity crushes showed me what I was looking for in masculinity, in relationships, and ultimately, in myself. This decades-long journey was really about finding the right role model; living proof that the person I wanted to be could actually exist in the world. Finding Zack de la Rocha feels like the culmination of this journey because he embodies the most complete integration of all the qualities I was searching for. He showed me that it’s possible to be both sensitive and powerful, both kind and angry. Most importantly, he has given me the push to start cultivating these qualities within myself, instead of simply projecting them onto external figures.