Chinese New Year is my most dreaded time of the year as a Chinese Autistic person. The holiday is my ultimate Autistic nightmare.
I’d usually visit my aunt’s place, where all my relatives would gather for CNY. Their voices are so damn loud; I always feel like I’m drowning in sensory overload when I see them. I’d usually end up retreating to a quiet room or corner until it’s time to leave.
Since my grandma lived with my family, visitors would also come to my house. I’d hide in my room when they were around. I didn’t know how to socialise with many of these visitors because they were distant relatives I only saw during CNY. My grandma passed away recently, so I didn’t have visitors this year.
Seeing so many relatives on CNY, I can’t help but compare myself to my cousins and nieces/nephews. I’d watch them grow each year—excelling academically, landing high-paying jobs, having boyfriends/girlfriends, getting married—and feel like I was behind in life. I felt less human than my relatives when I was younger. I now know that I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but those feelings still creep up on me during CNY.
I also struggled a lot with traditions that made no sense to me. As a child, I hated having to kneel down to my grandparents on CNY. It made me feel very uncomfortable and I couldn’t find a good reason why that was necessary.
Before I found out I was Autistic, I used to feel so guilty for struggling so much with CNY. I thought I was a horrible, unfilial, and antisocial person. Now that I know better, I’m not so hard on myself. Still, CNY remains a stressful period for me, and I’m always relieved when it’s finally over!