Every now and then, whenever I share my experiences with selective mutism online, I’d get DMs on Instagram like “Just a gentle reminder that ‘situational mutism’ is the preferred term in our community.” I know they mean well, but I can’t deny how invalidating it feels to receive those messages. I’m part of the community too and the word “situational” doesn’t reflect my experience at all!

I did try on the “situational mutism” label for a while. I was fed up with people misinterpreting “selective” to mean I was defiantly choosing not to speak. But after some time, I realised “situational” also gave people the wrong idea about me, and was an even less accurate way of describing my experience.

So I went back to “selective mutism,” using it as an imperfect shorthand. But that resulted in people trying to “correct” my terminology.

It feels lonely to have such an atypical presentation of selective/situational mutism that even people within my own community don’t understand me. And it’s exhausting to repeatedly explain and justify myself. I felt stuck between two imperfect terms until I remembered the words that always resonated with me the most.

If you’ve been reading my posts, you probably already know that Rage Against the Machine is one of my biggest special interests, and vocalist Zack de la Rocha is my role model. Some time ago, I found an old interview where Zack described himself as a “virtual mute” in his youth:

Did you feel able to speak out in class, to put your views across?

I was a virtual mute until I began to listen to Sex Pistols, Government Issue, Minor Threat and Bad Brains and a lot of East Coast hard-core. It struck a nerve in me when I was 16.

As a virtual mute, did you communicate with anyone?

I had a very close relationship with my mother. That helped. I had very few friends. I didn’t speak that much to people.

I’m not exaggerating when I say this interview changed my life. It made me feel so seen. I keep going back to it and referenced it in several of my posts. Now, I’m realising that “virtual mute” might actually be the perfect way to describe myself.

The definition of “virtual” is “almost or nearly as described, but not completely or according to strict definition.” That literally describes my mutism! I speak in a soft whisper to everyone, regardless of context or their relationship to me. I’m neither completely nor situationally mute. I am “virtually” mute: almost entirely, but not completely.

Using “virtual mute” not only frees me from the “selective vs. situational” debate, but also from pathologising my voice. No one can tell me I’m using the “wrong” word because I’m not claiming a clinical diagnosis, I’m just describing my lived experience. It’s a self-defined label; not an externally imposed one that comes with baggage like treatment protocols.

And not to mention it’s a term that originated from my special interest! Using Zack de la Rocha’s words to describe myself is a beautiful way to honour what he means to me.

I’m not saying that everyone should use “virtual mutism” instead of “situational mutism.” I’m saying that I believe everyone has the right to self-definition. If “situational mutism” works for you, that’s great! But please also make space for those of us who exist in the margins of the diagnosis and need different words.